The planet goes on spinning, revolving, soaring into nothingness. As it soars, a gentle, unrelenting pull draws it in. But the velocity of it travelling into nothingness keeps it at a constant distance from this pull.
The planet keeps on turning.
The planet, populated, peaceful, luscious and fruitful, keeps on going. The population, plodding through the daily necessity of chores. The business of survival. The business of living.
The planet keeps on turning.
However the population once was years ago, now it faces a whole new experience. One that it has never seen before. One that they cannot understand. Entirely new. It now faces the unreasonable lack of light. What once was bright, is now engulfed in darkness. The false imitations of light glitter from its surface, draining its life source that would never last the eternity they need to.
The planet keeps on turning.
The populations seems to understand, however, that the planet is kept in course. How, they do not know. But they know that the big ball of bright light that stood in the sky so many ages ago (for time cannot now be kept) no longer exists and has left them.
The planet keeps on turning.
What used to be warm, fertile soil, is now caked in frozen mass. There is no cold - only the absence of heat. And this absence penetrates to the very core of the planet. Slowly, the magma churning begins to chill, slowing its movements and imploding the planet from the inside. The gasses, the minerals that use to nurture the crust, now long gone. Harbored away into nothingness.
The planet keeps on turning.
All of what population knew, is gone. Gone, is the chance to turn the soil. Gone, is the chance reap the harvests of old, the cornucopias of luxury. Now, they eat artificially flavored, artificially heated food. Tasting nothing, but yet surviving.
The planet keeps on turning.
This center, this pull, is filled with nothing. And inside this nothingness, is filled with imaginations, desires, dreams, meteors, planets and other stars. Inside this depth, is all that is considered good and well. But its euphoria for devouring is never satisfied. It gorges, as if there is no tomorrow. Because there isn't tomorrow.
The planet keeps on turning.
This absence of being, emptiness, vacuum; it must have some meaning. But the population cannot understand what it is - only that it is the replacement of what was glorious, warm and bright. They cannot solve it, nor find a way to come to terms with it. They just keep surviving.
And the planet keeps on slowly turning.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Dreams: Wish, a Hope, Reality?
There she was, standing apart on the base of the grassy hill, smiling at me. My face brightens and a legit smile springs up on my face. "Hey Carmody" escapes my mouth, the joy and relief flooding my voice and soul. Quickly my feet take me to her. I lean down to embrace and kiss her but remember that I was contaminated with gluten so it just slides into an embrace, our cheeks brushing. The warmth surrounds my body and nothing can take my happiness away. Nothing can take my girl away. It's a happy reunion. She seems tired, drained - maybe it was me that was tired. We head back to our apartment, small and quaint, but perfect. It was me and her, her and me. What else did I need? We were together again. We lie down on our bed. My arms over and under, protecting her in my embrace.
Such comfort, such joy, of being with her. Even then, in this small, tiny moment, I was at peace. I knew that she loved me and wanted me, so all was well. A knock on the door, a chore to do. I turn back to let her know that I'll be back. She's not there. Must have gotten up to do something. Slowly, I close the door behind me.
I sit up in bed. Everything is dark. My hair, sticking up from the indent in my pillow. Realization downs over me as the sun is coming up over the mountain. I'm all alone. She's not here. The phantoms of the dream world, the illusion of the senses beguiled me. Again. And it's time to get up and get going. But she loves me.
Such comfort, such joy, of being with her. Even then, in this small, tiny moment, I was at peace. I knew that she loved me and wanted me, so all was well. A knock on the door, a chore to do. I turn back to let her know that I'll be back. She's not there. Must have gotten up to do something. Slowly, I close the door behind me.
I sit up in bed. Everything is dark. My hair, sticking up from the indent in my pillow. Realization downs over me as the sun is coming up over the mountain. I'm all alone. She's not here. The phantoms of the dream world, the illusion of the senses beguiled me. Again. And it's time to get up and get going. But she loves me.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Times like these
I'm sitting in my apartment and I feel alone
It's times like these I wish you were here
I'm looking at my options and none look good
It's times like these I wish you were here
I'm walking home in the pouring rain with no one to talk to.
It's times like these I wish you were here
My hand is empty, the ghost of a feeling is there.
It's times like these I wish it was yours
I'm writing a paper for my Spanish Literature class about Jorge Luis Borges. I was flickering through the different Spanish American authors and trying to find something I connect with. As I was reading through authors, I chose to focus on an Argentine (shocking, right?). As I read a summary of the works that Borges wrote, the first line of The Aleph stuck out to me. It started out with the narrator, Borges, trying to reconcile with the loss of his loved one, Beatriz. Immediately, I chose this story even though it primarily focuses on the scientific fiction aspect of the Aleph of all space being in one space.
Anyways, today I was reading some psychology books about mourning, the loss of a spouse, the difference between widows and widowers and the process of their mourning. Yesterday when I was reading similar things it didn't really have an effect. Today it did. Some days are good. Some, not so much. But what really got to me was the in-depth analysis that famous psychologists have done on the mourning process. Freud was just way too focused on... well, you know. But some others picked up and filled in the holes, like Bowlby. Anyways, as I was reading, I began to identify with random things that I was reading. I began to wonder where I was at in the mourning process. Was I in the process of a healthy mourning? No answers, but I did begin to feel the emptiness. The vacuum. The black hole. A part of me missing. That won't come back.
A pesar de todo, I'm not bad. I'm moving along. Work is fine. School is fine. I'm doing what I need to do. It's just hard trying to deal with everything at once. Anyways, the rant for today.
It's times like these I wish you were here
I'm looking at my options and none look good
It's times like these I wish you were here
I'm walking home in the pouring rain with no one to talk to.
It's times like these I wish you were here
My hand is empty, the ghost of a feeling is there.
It's times like these I wish it was yours
I'm writing a paper for my Spanish Literature class about Jorge Luis Borges. I was flickering through the different Spanish American authors and trying to find something I connect with. As I was reading through authors, I chose to focus on an Argentine (shocking, right?). As I read a summary of the works that Borges wrote, the first line of The Aleph stuck out to me. It started out with the narrator, Borges, trying to reconcile with the loss of his loved one, Beatriz. Immediately, I chose this story even though it primarily focuses on the scientific fiction aspect of the Aleph of all space being in one space.
Anyways, today I was reading some psychology books about mourning, the loss of a spouse, the difference between widows and widowers and the process of their mourning. Yesterday when I was reading similar things it didn't really have an effect. Today it did. Some days are good. Some, not so much. But what really got to me was the in-depth analysis that famous psychologists have done on the mourning process. Freud was just way too focused on... well, you know. But some others picked up and filled in the holes, like Bowlby. Anyways, as I was reading, I began to identify with random things that I was reading. I began to wonder where I was at in the mourning process. Was I in the process of a healthy mourning? No answers, but I did begin to feel the emptiness. The vacuum. The black hole. A part of me missing. That won't come back.
A pesar de todo, I'm not bad. I'm moving along. Work is fine. School is fine. I'm doing what I need to do. It's just hard trying to deal with everything at once. Anyways, the rant for today.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
For those quiet, small moments
In quiet moments, when I feel bereft and alone, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say. Sometimes I don't even know what to do. I've even asked close friends what they do when life gets tough, when the road gets bumpy, when the way is just plain, old difficult.
Throughout the years, the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes and the moments of this life, we've all passed through some kind of difficulty. I won't even try to guess or understand what you all have felt. I do, however, know what I have felt, and keep on feeling. It is not easy. Sometimes it's not even understandable. But I do know this - that Heavenly Father has been there for me. For the first time since the week of Carmody's passing, this morning I watched a slideshow a dear friend put together for her funeral. The song that will ever touch my soul and ultimately utter peace to it, "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee" is so very touching and helps give us understanding of how the Gospel works. Moments pass, where we feel forgotten. Minutes touch where we feel alone. Days, months and sometimes years pass where we feel that God has forsaken us. My testimony to you today is that HE DOES NOT. He is an EVER loving Heavenly Father. He does not forget us. His Son, Jesus Christ, has said, "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of MY hands; thy walls are continually before me." (Isaiah 49:16) We are not forgotten and hardly are we ever alone. Elder Holland has taught and testified,
"His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path— the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil,prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].” (John 14:18,23)
I thank all my friends and angels that God has sent to me, seen and unseen. I hope always that Carmody is around me to comfort me and give me support. Most importantly, I know that through His divine providence, that He has comforted me. It wasn't He who turned His face from me, it was me failing to look up at him. For long, long moments have I stared at the ground, trudging my way through the darkness and frailties of life. It is time for me to look up, take His outstretched hand. (2 Nephi 19:4 [towards the end of the verse])
"Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, will I cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and everlasting God. Amen" (2 Nephi 4:35)
References to enjoy
My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwzMNKAT0p4
None Were With Him
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him?lang=eng
Throughout the years, the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes and the moments of this life, we've all passed through some kind of difficulty. I won't even try to guess or understand what you all have felt. I do, however, know what I have felt, and keep on feeling. It is not easy. Sometimes it's not even understandable. But I do know this - that Heavenly Father has been there for me. For the first time since the week of Carmody's passing, this morning I watched a slideshow a dear friend put together for her funeral. The song that will ever touch my soul and ultimately utter peace to it, "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee" is so very touching and helps give us understanding of how the Gospel works. Moments pass, where we feel forgotten. Minutes touch where we feel alone. Days, months and sometimes years pass where we feel that God has forsaken us. My testimony to you today is that HE DOES NOT. He is an EVER loving Heavenly Father. He does not forget us. His Son, Jesus Christ, has said, "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of MY hands; thy walls are continually before me." (Isaiah 49:16) We are not forgotten and hardly are we ever alone. Elder Holland has taught and testified,
"His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path— the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil,prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].” (John 14:18,23)
I thank all my friends and angels that God has sent to me, seen and unseen. I hope always that Carmody is around me to comfort me and give me support. Most importantly, I know that through His divine providence, that He has comforted me. It wasn't He who turned His face from me, it was me failing to look up at him. For long, long moments have I stared at the ground, trudging my way through the darkness and frailties of life. It is time for me to look up, take His outstretched hand. (2 Nephi 19:4 [towards the end of the verse])
"Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, will I cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and everlasting God. Amen" (2 Nephi 4:35)
References to enjoy
My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwzMNKAT0p4
None Were With Him
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him?lang=eng
Monday, September 9, 2013
Messages: Don't close yourself off
I went tunnel singing tonight and it was, as usual, really good. Last week, I could only think of Carmody and how much I missed her. This week, however, was a different story.
It is not one of rebuke, but gentle guidance. It is of kind correction. It is leading me by the hand, softly pulling me in the direction I need to go.
Let me put the hymns down that were those:
Where Can I Turn for Peace
It is not one of rebuke, but gentle guidance. It is of kind correction. It is leading me by the hand, softly pulling me in the direction I need to go.
Let me put the hymns down that were those:
Where Can I Turn for Peace
Where can I turn for
peace?
Where is my solace when other sources
cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded
heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, Searching my soul?
Where, when my
aching grows
Where, when I languish, where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane,
Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he
finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and
kind, Love without end
So, let's just say, for me... that's a slap on the wrist. For thinking that friends can't help. For thinking I am alone. For thinking I'm the only one suffering. For being selfish.
I can change me. Yeah, it'll be hard, but it's doable. And with all the friends I have - there's no way I can't get over this. There's just too many people rooting for me. Too many people just BEING there for me. And I love them for that. And can't believe they'd put up with a wreck like me.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found.
There are angels all around me to bear me up - I just have to let them.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Self-reliance
There's so many ways I've contemplated writing this post. Some of them have been in the form of taking a hatchet to wood to release some anger. Some of them have cautiously formed into somber soliloquies, bemoaning my misfortune and emotions. If you really wanted a taste of what I'm feeling, I figure you'd come talk to me... but most people don't want to hear it. Not because they're unsympathetic. Just they don't know what to say or what to do. As a matter of fact, I don't know what to do or say. It's just fact. Deep down inside I feel horrible. Sure I cover it up with doing my job, going to school and being with friends. But it's always there. Lurking, seeking some way to express itself. There's no need for sympathy. It does nothing.
My thoughts are a loop. Everything reminds me of her. A pen cap, a picture, a flower, a certain time of day, a rainbow, thunderstorms, couples walking across campus. I even think I see her sometimes. A quick flick of light brown, curly hair in ringlets in a light teal blouse. Nope. Not her. A smile, a profile, a mention of dietetics, nutrition. The list is never ending. Every song that comes on Pandora is somehow linked to her. Or to me. A frisbee. A bee. It all comes back and never leaves.
How do I break out of it? You know that clip from Hitch where Albert says that as long as he's connected to her somehow, even if he's miserable, he'll accept that. Now, I don't want to be miserable forever, but how can I ever move on without feeling like I'm betraying Carmody? If it means being connected to her still, then so be it. Now, maybe the pain will lessen over time or my ability to bear it will increase. But I want that connection forever and always and I will never, ever let her go. Someone once told me that my loyalty is one of my strengths - also one of my weaknesses. There's nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better. They've tried. It just doesn't work. I love her and I always will and there's nothing to ease the pain.
I've come to realize that, at least for now, it just comes down to me. For the longest time I've relied on other people to help me get the hardest things of my life. But all in all, it's dependent on me. I'm glad I've got a ton of people supporting me and helping me. Now I need to pick up the ball and go with it.
Taking the next step in life is difficult - President Uchtdorf gave a message in one of the ensigns and maybe even a conference talk that we need to put one foot in front of the other, even if we can't see sometimes the full path ahead of us. Sometimes, I don't even know where the next step is. But I do know that if I return to the basics: scripture study, honest and sincere prayer, church and temple attendance, I can get back on my feet. Somehow, someway. Maybe not now or anytime soon. But I do know this: Christ will not leave me out wandering. He will find me, guide me, walk beside me when I need it. It's His timing, not mine. I mean, who am I to argue God's timing who sees everything since the world began, to the present to eternity. He knows what's best for me and when it's best for me. Now it's just my job to be ready.
My thoughts are a loop. Everything reminds me of her. A pen cap, a picture, a flower, a certain time of day, a rainbow, thunderstorms, couples walking across campus. I even think I see her sometimes. A quick flick of light brown, curly hair in ringlets in a light teal blouse. Nope. Not her. A smile, a profile, a mention of dietetics, nutrition. The list is never ending. Every song that comes on Pandora is somehow linked to her. Or to me. A frisbee. A bee. It all comes back and never leaves.
How do I break out of it? You know that clip from Hitch where Albert says that as long as he's connected to her somehow, even if he's miserable, he'll accept that. Now, I don't want to be miserable forever, but how can I ever move on without feeling like I'm betraying Carmody? If it means being connected to her still, then so be it. Now, maybe the pain will lessen over time or my ability to bear it will increase. But I want that connection forever and always and I will never, ever let her go. Someone once told me that my loyalty is one of my strengths - also one of my weaknesses. There's nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better. They've tried. It just doesn't work. I love her and I always will and there's nothing to ease the pain.
I've come to realize that, at least for now, it just comes down to me. For the longest time I've relied on other people to help me get the hardest things of my life. But all in all, it's dependent on me. I'm glad I've got a ton of people supporting me and helping me. Now I need to pick up the ball and go with it.
Taking the next step in life is difficult - President Uchtdorf gave a message in one of the ensigns and maybe even a conference talk that we need to put one foot in front of the other, even if we can't see sometimes the full path ahead of us. Sometimes, I don't even know where the next step is. But I do know that if I return to the basics: scripture study, honest and sincere prayer, church and temple attendance, I can get back on my feet. Somehow, someway. Maybe not now or anytime soon. But I do know this: Christ will not leave me out wandering. He will find me, guide me, walk beside me when I need it. It's His timing, not mine. I mean, who am I to argue God's timing who sees everything since the world began, to the present to eternity. He knows what's best for me and when it's best for me. Now it's just my job to be ready.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Ramblings of an early morning.
So I guess reading the news at 4:30 in the morning and a BYU dating blog made by ladies enthused by Austen literature isn't enough for me to go back to sleep. So here is a long, long overdue blog post.
I can finally proclaim myself as a true Cali boy - I have learned the art of surfing. As if that makes someone from California ;). I can stand up and ride the wave. Now don't let any misguided thoughts get into your head - if you start picturing the guy that rides down the wave, through the curl and looks super awesome -- That's not me. I just get up and ride little itty-bitty waves. Maybe that will come with time and a LOT of practice.
So this summer has been interesting. I intentionally took upon me as little responsibility as I could. It was like a weight off of my shoulders. Since February, life has been like a roller coaster. Points where I've been on top of the world and others where I am curled up sobbing. Points where I want to move forward, and more where I gaze longingly back to what I once had. It's not my fault. It's not even her fault. Her time was up and she was swept, deftly and calmly back into heaven from whence she came.
Time and time again my thoughts go back to her. I find that I repeat myself constantly. It's like I'm in a whirlpool to everlasting misery and woe. My mind goes back to the good times and the bad. The giggles and the laughter, to the serious and determined conversations. She was as serious about me as I ever was about her. She made me several keepsakes that remind me of the impact I had on her life. Like 52 things she loved about me. I didn't know there was more than 5. Some of the things she admired came naturally, others came with a lot of work and patience. Some of them blew me away as being an attractive quality. But having these "recuerdos" or reminders in my hands and possession remind me that I had a positive impact on her life. I only got to pretend that she was mine to keep. Maybe that will change, but God needs me to learn something else before I can move on. I don't know quite what it is yet, but I think I still have some maturing to do and some naivety to overcome.
I volunteered at a police station, reading crime reports and helping to make maps for the division leaders to analyze. That was interesting to say the least. Every time I picked up a report, it was a dazzling new aspect of how someone could be so stupid or how violent and evil some people can be. Some of the things I read will taint my mind forever and have given me a certain amount of doubt among people I don't know or don't trust. How some people can go from good, to bad, to evil. People think that evil things happen occasionally and only abroad. It's all around us and happening continuously. I'm not trying to be cynical, just realistic. And to protect myself and those around me from the evils in this world. Anyways, with the aside aside, it was enlightening to say the least. And that I will never become a police officer.
I got to meet new people. My YSA ward back home is comprised of 2 stakes and me, happening to live on the very boundary of both stakes, means I get the longest possible drive to any function whatsoever. And without a car or means to pay for one or maintain one, I felt bad using my parents car and gas ALL the time. But I made it to a few where I met some great people and had a lot of fun. Seeing my best friend was really good and he and I even went out to surf once. It was in the afternoon, so it was really windy and crowded (which wasn't fun) but we had a good time. I made a friend in Santa Barbara and we got to know each other and have fun together. It was definitely good making new friends back home.
I also got to swim in my pool (YES!), go on walks, go surfing with Dave, play video and spend some much needed family time. I even got to spend some time in San Diego with my Aunt's family that I've never really gotten to know. To say the least, that was one of the highlights of my summer. I wish we could have been around each other a lot sooner. Family has helped me out so much in my life, especially the past few months, that I will be eternally grateful for them and all the time and effort spent on me to make me into who I am today. They are the best.
While that was all well and good, it also felt like I was spinning my wheels sometimes. Wasting time. However, wasting time sometimes is a good thing. Being relaxed and doing whatever is a good thing. Sometimes. I guess I am still in partial-missionary mode with the go-go-go reflexes. But even sitting in my new apartment, I wish that life would not come rushing back so fast. From no responsibility to LOTS of responsibility is kind of scaring me. From not having to focus on anything, to focus on very specific things for long measures of the day (aka classes and studying) - it really has me worried. Will I be able to do this? Can I get through it? Will this be an enjoyable experience? It all depends on me and some days, that strikes terror into my very soul.
Why? Because it means I have to move on. I have to come back to reality. Yes, what happened to me was tragic. But I cannot use it as a crutch anymore. To quote my mom, I'm in a transitional station. Where I absolutely do not want to let go of Carmody, what she meant to me and my old life. To becoming the man that God expects me to be. I cannot wallow in sorrow and pain. We sang a hymn in church, where it talked about Christ helping us through the valley of death. I am done wallowing there. It's nothing but heartache and a longing for what cannot be. It's like the Mirror of Erised (Mirror of Desire). JK Rowling had inscripted around the glass "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi" or "I show not your face but your heart's desire." Harry sits there, enamored by being surrounded by his family that he has never met. Ron sees him triumphing over all of the shadows cast by his elder brothers. If I were to look into the mirror, I wouldn't be holding a pair of socks as Dumbledore claims to see, but a happy life with Carmody. Dumbledore issues a warning to Harry that he must not come down again because many men have gone insane from viewing the heart's desire but not being able to get it. So with the analogy of Harry Potter, I don't have an actual mirror of Erised. But I do have memories. I do have my comfort zone. I have things that I haven't been willing to give up. Of course I will love Carmody forever. But I fear that if I don't move on, my imaginary mirror will drive me insane.
Does it mean it will be easy? Of course not. I will have lots of things to learn how to deal with. Many of which cannot be found in any instructional booklet. But I do have the gift of the Holy Ghost, given to me after the sacred ordinance of baptism. As long as I am righteous, and worthy to have its presence, I need not fear what will happen over the course of the next few days, months and years. I just need to put my hand in God's and let him take me out of this valley of death, away from this mirror, and onto the things He has planned for me and eventually reaching the goals I want.
So in summary, I guess you can say the summer has been a turning point. Not one day, or minute, or even second, but a slow, gradual change. Much like Elder David A. Bednar's talk of revelation and the rising of the sun. Slowly the light comes. And slowly I will walk with it until it becomes clear with what I need to do. I'm not going to go any faster than I need to. But I'm starting.
I can finally proclaim myself as a true Cali boy - I have learned the art of surfing. As if that makes someone from California ;). I can stand up and ride the wave. Now don't let any misguided thoughts get into your head - if you start picturing the guy that rides down the wave, through the curl and looks super awesome -- That's not me. I just get up and ride little itty-bitty waves. Maybe that will come with time and a LOT of practice.
So this summer has been interesting. I intentionally took upon me as little responsibility as I could. It was like a weight off of my shoulders. Since February, life has been like a roller coaster. Points where I've been on top of the world and others where I am curled up sobbing. Points where I want to move forward, and more where I gaze longingly back to what I once had. It's not my fault. It's not even her fault. Her time was up and she was swept, deftly and calmly back into heaven from whence she came.
Time and time again my thoughts go back to her. I find that I repeat myself constantly. It's like I'm in a whirlpool to everlasting misery and woe. My mind goes back to the good times and the bad. The giggles and the laughter, to the serious and determined conversations. She was as serious about me as I ever was about her. She made me several keepsakes that remind me of the impact I had on her life. Like 52 things she loved about me. I didn't know there was more than 5. Some of the things she admired came naturally, others came with a lot of work and patience. Some of them blew me away as being an attractive quality. But having these "recuerdos" or reminders in my hands and possession remind me that I had a positive impact on her life. I only got to pretend that she was mine to keep. Maybe that will change, but God needs me to learn something else before I can move on. I don't know quite what it is yet, but I think I still have some maturing to do and some naivety to overcome.
I volunteered at a police station, reading crime reports and helping to make maps for the division leaders to analyze. That was interesting to say the least. Every time I picked up a report, it was a dazzling new aspect of how someone could be so stupid or how violent and evil some people can be. Some of the things I read will taint my mind forever and have given me a certain amount of doubt among people I don't know or don't trust. How some people can go from good, to bad, to evil. People think that evil things happen occasionally and only abroad. It's all around us and happening continuously. I'm not trying to be cynical, just realistic. And to protect myself and those around me from the evils in this world. Anyways, with the aside aside, it was enlightening to say the least. And that I will never become a police officer.
I got to meet new people. My YSA ward back home is comprised of 2 stakes and me, happening to live on the very boundary of both stakes, means I get the longest possible drive to any function whatsoever. And without a car or means to pay for one or maintain one, I felt bad using my parents car and gas ALL the time. But I made it to a few where I met some great people and had a lot of fun. Seeing my best friend was really good and he and I even went out to surf once. It was in the afternoon, so it was really windy and crowded (which wasn't fun) but we had a good time. I made a friend in Santa Barbara and we got to know each other and have fun together. It was definitely good making new friends back home.
I also got to swim in my pool (YES!), go on walks, go surfing with Dave, play video and spend some much needed family time. I even got to spend some time in San Diego with my Aunt's family that I've never really gotten to know. To say the least, that was one of the highlights of my summer. I wish we could have been around each other a lot sooner. Family has helped me out so much in my life, especially the past few months, that I will be eternally grateful for them and all the time and effort spent on me to make me into who I am today. They are the best.
While that was all well and good, it also felt like I was spinning my wheels sometimes. Wasting time. However, wasting time sometimes is a good thing. Being relaxed and doing whatever is a good thing. Sometimes. I guess I am still in partial-missionary mode with the go-go-go reflexes. But even sitting in my new apartment, I wish that life would not come rushing back so fast. From no responsibility to LOTS of responsibility is kind of scaring me. From not having to focus on anything, to focus on very specific things for long measures of the day (aka classes and studying) - it really has me worried. Will I be able to do this? Can I get through it? Will this be an enjoyable experience? It all depends on me and some days, that strikes terror into my very soul.
Why? Because it means I have to move on. I have to come back to reality. Yes, what happened to me was tragic. But I cannot use it as a crutch anymore. To quote my mom, I'm in a transitional station. Where I absolutely do not want to let go of Carmody, what she meant to me and my old life. To becoming the man that God expects me to be. I cannot wallow in sorrow and pain. We sang a hymn in church, where it talked about Christ helping us through the valley of death. I am done wallowing there. It's nothing but heartache and a longing for what cannot be. It's like the Mirror of Erised (Mirror of Desire). JK Rowling had inscripted around the glass "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi" or "I show not your face but your heart's desire." Harry sits there, enamored by being surrounded by his family that he has never met. Ron sees him triumphing over all of the shadows cast by his elder brothers. If I were to look into the mirror, I wouldn't be holding a pair of socks as Dumbledore claims to see, but a happy life with Carmody. Dumbledore issues a warning to Harry that he must not come down again because many men have gone insane from viewing the heart's desire but not being able to get it. So with the analogy of Harry Potter, I don't have an actual mirror of Erised. But I do have memories. I do have my comfort zone. I have things that I haven't been willing to give up. Of course I will love Carmody forever. But I fear that if I don't move on, my imaginary mirror will drive me insane.
Does it mean it will be easy? Of course not. I will have lots of things to learn how to deal with. Many of which cannot be found in any instructional booklet. But I do have the gift of the Holy Ghost, given to me after the sacred ordinance of baptism. As long as I am righteous, and worthy to have its presence, I need not fear what will happen over the course of the next few days, months and years. I just need to put my hand in God's and let him take me out of this valley of death, away from this mirror, and onto the things He has planned for me and eventually reaching the goals I want.
So in summary, I guess you can say the summer has been a turning point. Not one day, or minute, or even second, but a slow, gradual change. Much like Elder David A. Bednar's talk of revelation and the rising of the sun. Slowly the light comes. And slowly I will walk with it until it becomes clear with what I need to do. I'm not going to go any faster than I need to. But I'm starting.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Forever and Always
I was listening to this song today on pandora:
"She's sitting at the table, the hours get later
He was supposed to be here
She's sure he would have called
She waits a little longer, there's no one in the driveway
No one's said they've seen him
Why, is something wrong?
She looks back to the window
Suddenly the phone rings
A voice says something's happened
That she should come right now
Her mind goes to December
She thinks of when he asked her
He bent down on his knees first
And he said"
"I want you forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We'll grow old together
Forever and always"
"She pulls up to the entrance
She walks right to the front desk
They lead her down a million halls, a maze that's never ending
They talk about what happened but she can barely hear them
She tries to keep a straight face as she walks into the room
She sits by his bedside, holds his hand too tight
They talk about the kids they're gonna have and the good life
The house on the hillside, where they would stay"
"Stay there forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly"
"We'll grow old together, and always remember
Whether rich or for poor or for better
We'll still love each other, forever and always"
"Then she gets an idea and calls in the nurses
Brings up the chaplain and he says a couple verses
She borrows some rings from the couple next door
Everybody's laughing as the tears fall on the floor
She looks into his eyes, and she says"
"I want you forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We'll grow old together, and always remember
Whether happy or sad or whatever
We'll still love each other, forever and always
Forever and always, forever and always"
"She finishes the vows but the beeps are getting too slow
His voice is almost too low
As he says, I love you forever, forever and always
Please just remember even if I'm not there
I'll always love you, forever and always"
-Forever and Always by Parachute
I know it's not exactly the same situation as mine, but I feel exactly the same. I love Carmody - I was with her through the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though our time together on Earth was short, I know that through the Atonement of Christ, everything will be made right and I can be with her forever.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Reflections
Reflections are an interesting thing to think about.
From reflections in a mirror to reflection of light off of water. Reflection can even be the color that comes off of surfaces that we see.
While I was spending some time at my cousin's house, he showed me a physics program he had on his computer that could emulation how water reflected off of water. You could change the angle of the light and see how much light went into the water and how much reflected off of the top. There's an angle where all the light will reflect off of the top of the water (I forget what it is called).
This all came to my as I was thinking about me. Dad suggested I take time to meditate. I kinda shrugged it off because whenever I meditate I always wind myself up more than relaxing or just go in circles. I've tried to do some meditating just try it out again. Once I started I found myself going in circles about video games or other non-important things. But today was a bit different. Today was the first day I went inside of a hospital since Carmody passed. My aunt just had her baby and we went to go pick up my Nana. I elected to stay outside in the waiting room and rested my elbows on a banister of the 4th floor overlooking the entrance. Then I tried to think. Recent months have been filled of memories of Carmody. A lot of them I tried to suppress I didn't want to think about that. I didn't want to miss her even more. But as hard as I tried not to dwell on them, the more they came back. I don't think I've stopped fighting them, but I am trying to reflect on them. One of my friends posted something on twitter that said "Let your past make you better, not bitter." I've felt more recently that I'm starting to become bitter. At night I just tell myself I want her back. During the day I see millions of things that remind me of her. The reminders never stop. I'm beginning to suspect that they will always be there. But how I let them affect me makes all the difference. Right now, it reminds me of what I don't have and what I've lost. Not forever, but for the rest of mortality. I have faith that things will work out. But as many of you know, I can be very impatient.
But back to the reflections - I've begun to think that my reflections have been very superficial, kinda like light reflecting off of the top of the water. I don't know how to reflect without the hurt, but maybe this is the start of a process.
From reflections in a mirror to reflection of light off of water. Reflection can even be the color that comes off of surfaces that we see.
While I was spending some time at my cousin's house, he showed me a physics program he had on his computer that could emulation how water reflected off of water. You could change the angle of the light and see how much light went into the water and how much reflected off of the top. There's an angle where all the light will reflect off of the top of the water (I forget what it is called).
This all came to my as I was thinking about me. Dad suggested I take time to meditate. I kinda shrugged it off because whenever I meditate I always wind myself up more than relaxing or just go in circles. I've tried to do some meditating just try it out again. Once I started I found myself going in circles about video games or other non-important things. But today was a bit different. Today was the first day I went inside of a hospital since Carmody passed. My aunt just had her baby and we went to go pick up my Nana. I elected to stay outside in the waiting room and rested my elbows on a banister of the 4th floor overlooking the entrance. Then I tried to think. Recent months have been filled of memories of Carmody. A lot of them I tried to suppress I didn't want to think about that. I didn't want to miss her even more. But as hard as I tried not to dwell on them, the more they came back. I don't think I've stopped fighting them, but I am trying to reflect on them. One of my friends posted something on twitter that said "Let your past make you better, not bitter." I've felt more recently that I'm starting to become bitter. At night I just tell myself I want her back. During the day I see millions of things that remind me of her. The reminders never stop. I'm beginning to suspect that they will always be there. But how I let them affect me makes all the difference. Right now, it reminds me of what I don't have and what I've lost. Not forever, but for the rest of mortality. I have faith that things will work out. But as many of you know, I can be very impatient.
But back to the reflections - I've begun to think that my reflections have been very superficial, kinda like light reflecting off of the top of the water. I don't know how to reflect without the hurt, but maybe this is the start of a process.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Back in California - Time to stop and feel.
What a relief it is to be home. The smells, the sights, the people. It's only been 5 days but its been what I've needed.
As I've been home, I've been a lot more relaxed and things have been going a lot slower. This has really given me time to reflect. And feel.
I was able to hang out with a great friend Thursday night and we got to go to 5 guys and watch Iron Man 3. 5 guys was alright and Iron Man 3 was pretty good. Throughout the night my mind kept turning back to Carmody. Small things, like a smile, a picture, a memory, the view of an ICU room, saturated fats, church meetings. It seems like everywhere I look or everything I think about has a link to her. I bet the people that have been around me are kind of sick of me talking about her. But that's all that has been on my mind. Everything comes back to her. I can't think about what's in front of me or what I have to do. It's kind of debilitating. But I am so glad I'm at home where I can do this. Be lethargic and all. I don't know.
I'm working on getting a good schedule running. Maybe that will help. Exercise, scripture study, being with family. Normal sleep schedule. We'll see how it goes. Fact of the matter is, I'm glad to be home and have the chance to do this at the speed I need, not what the world, university or others need me to be at. I can do this for me.
Not a very exciting blog post. It's not very fun relapsing and experiencing this kind of pain all over again, but it's happening. And I'll get through it.
As I've been home, I've been a lot more relaxed and things have been going a lot slower. This has really given me time to reflect. And feel.
I was able to hang out with a great friend Thursday night and we got to go to 5 guys and watch Iron Man 3. 5 guys was alright and Iron Man 3 was pretty good. Throughout the night my mind kept turning back to Carmody. Small things, like a smile, a picture, a memory, the view of an ICU room, saturated fats, church meetings. It seems like everywhere I look or everything I think about has a link to her. I bet the people that have been around me are kind of sick of me talking about her. But that's all that has been on my mind. Everything comes back to her. I can't think about what's in front of me or what I have to do. It's kind of debilitating. But I am so glad I'm at home where I can do this. Be lethargic and all. I don't know.
I'm working on getting a good schedule running. Maybe that will help. Exercise, scripture study, being with family. Normal sleep schedule. We'll see how it goes. Fact of the matter is, I'm glad to be home and have the chance to do this at the speed I need, not what the world, university or others need me to be at. I can do this for me.
Not a very exciting blog post. It's not very fun relapsing and experiencing this kind of pain all over again, but it's happening. And I'll get through it.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Poetry by the Dead of Night
Water rushing down the river
Always moving, always flowing
Almost the same as it was a second ago.
It's never the same if you really think about it
How each second goes by and things never
are exactly the same as they were before.
You're sitting there, wishing for something better.
You're sitting there, wondering what's right.
You're sitting there, hoping it's worth it.
Our lives are made up of many different decisions
Some important, some not so much,
But every decision has its own impact on our life.
You are wishing for something better?
Go out and get it.
You'll never get anything better
by just sitting there.
The best things in life are fought for
and won.
You are wondering if it's right?
How do you feel about it?
Your gut feeling is usually right.
If it is in accordance
with God's commandments
and His revealed word
through his prophets
Then just do it.
Keep your heart open
and listen with your ears
for the Spirit will not let you
go far off track.
You are hoping it's worth it?
Well, you my dear, are worth it,
So make that decision count.
You are a valued Spirit child of God.
My associate, my friend
My sibling in spirit.
I'll always keep an eye out for you
I want you to be happy,
to have joy and prosperity in abundance
flow into, and through, your life.
You're sitting there, hoping for something better.
Go out and get it.
You're sitting there, wondering what's right.
Follow your Light of Christ, your conscious and guide
You're sitting there, hoping it's worth it.
You, my dear, are so very worth it.
So wear a smile and keep going.
Always moving, always flowing
Almost the same as it was a second ago.
It's never the same if you really think about it
How each second goes by and things never
are exactly the same as they were before.
You're sitting there, wishing for something better.
You're sitting there, wondering what's right.
You're sitting there, hoping it's worth it.
Our lives are made up of many different decisions
Some important, some not so much,
But every decision has its own impact on our life.
You are wishing for something better?
Go out and get it.
You'll never get anything better
by just sitting there.
The best things in life are fought for
and won.
You are wondering if it's right?
How do you feel about it?
Your gut feeling is usually right.
If it is in accordance
with God's commandments
and His revealed word
through his prophets
Then just do it.
Keep your heart open
and listen with your ears
for the Spirit will not let you
go far off track.
You are hoping it's worth it?
Well, you my dear, are worth it,
So make that decision count.
You are a valued Spirit child of God.
My associate, my friend
My sibling in spirit.
I'll always keep an eye out for you
I want you to be happy,
to have joy and prosperity in abundance
flow into, and through, your life.
You're sitting there, hoping for something better.
Go out and get it.
You're sitting there, wondering what's right.
Follow your Light of Christ, your conscious and guide
You're sitting there, hoping it's worth it.
You, my dear, are so very worth it.
So wear a smile and keep going.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Speed of Sound
Things rushin, things blurrin, things swirlin around
Trying to keep up with the times
Not the Jones, nor the Smiths
But with one's own expectations
You never let yourself take a break
One vacation, one breather, one moment
To take a breath, relax, and enjoy life
Things rushin, things blurrin, things swirlin around
Trying to keep up with the speed of sound
You're doin' great things
Wonderful, amazing things
But take it easy kid.
Didn't she teach you to stop and smell the roses?
Didn't she say the wonder of taking a step back and enjoying?
Didn't she help you understand that what's going on around us,
isn't necessarily as important as the big picture?
Too worried with what's right now
Too worried with what's next
Too worried about the past
Too worried about what others think
It's what He wills and wishes
And how our desires and delights can fit in His plans
As we do His will
Serve others
Bless others
Be happy
Most of all, just be happy.
Don't keep up with the speed of sound
You may be able to do a thousand things
But who, and what, is around you
Is the most important.
Don't drive them away
But take them towards Christ and Happiness.
Trying to keep up with the times
Not the Jones, nor the Smiths
But with one's own expectations
You never let yourself take a break
One vacation, one breather, one moment
To take a breath, relax, and enjoy life
Things rushin, things blurrin, things swirlin around
Trying to keep up with the speed of sound
You're doin' great things
Wonderful, amazing things
But take it easy kid.
Didn't she teach you to stop and smell the roses?
Didn't she say the wonder of taking a step back and enjoying?
Didn't she help you understand that what's going on around us,
isn't necessarily as important as the big picture?
Too worried with what's right now
Too worried with what's next
Too worried about the past
Too worried about what others think
It's what He wills and wishes
And how our desires and delights can fit in His plans
As we do His will
Serve others
Bless others
Be happy
Most of all, just be happy.
Don't keep up with the speed of sound
You may be able to do a thousand things
But who, and what, is around you
Is the most important.
Don't drive them away
But take them towards Christ and Happiness.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Cold Western Front
Cold winds swirl around me as I stare into the reflection of the water next to me.
My roommate came with me and we went up to campus to seek refuge and solace near the element of Earth that we feel closet to; water. How much I miss the ocean, the waves beating upon the sand! The stream so close to my home that I can go and just listen to it trickle and sway beneath the warm summer moonlight. Even the pool is comforting and welcoming. I guess I feel like Percy Jackson in this sense that water is a comfort and a guide.
I could be pessimistic and I could be seeking attention. But I don't want that; I don't need that. I want to know who I am, what I stand for, and be able to do so confidently. Building myself back up, brick by brick, stone by stone, layer upon layer hasn't been easy. Who is Mike? What does he like to do? What are his aspirations and goals? Are they laden with reminiscing thoughts of what they could have been or what I wanted them to be? Am I letting past experiences dominate my future? Am I living in the past, trying to alter the present? I don't think so, but there's always an element that wants me to go back to when it was easy, when I knew what I was doing, when I was comfortable and safe. That time has past. I need to head out into the churning waters, leaving the port and harbor of comfort and make my way to the treasure troves of knowledge and experience that lie beyond the visible horizon.
And so I go. Defining myself by what I do, not what I say. God spoke that He looks upon the heart of a man (1 Samuel) to judge his true character. What is in my heart? What am I longing for? What am I doing to satisfy those needs? That's for me to find out and that's for me to answer.
What is it that you need? What is it that you want?Just an hour and a half hour ago I felt sick to my stomach. Stress, anxiety, fear, worry. All feelings that surround my heart and soul. How long has it been since I've been able to have a peaceful night? How long has it been since I could just wake up and know it's going to be a good day? How long has it been since I've wanted to go to sleep, to enter the dreams upon which my nights thrive upon?
My roommate came with me and we went up to campus to seek refuge and solace near the element of Earth that we feel closet to; water. How much I miss the ocean, the waves beating upon the sand! The stream so close to my home that I can go and just listen to it trickle and sway beneath the warm summer moonlight. Even the pool is comforting and welcoming. I guess I feel like Percy Jackson in this sense that water is a comfort and a guide.
I could be pessimistic and I could be seeking attention. But I don't want that; I don't need that. I want to know who I am, what I stand for, and be able to do so confidently. Building myself back up, brick by brick, stone by stone, layer upon layer hasn't been easy. Who is Mike? What does he like to do? What are his aspirations and goals? Are they laden with reminiscing thoughts of what they could have been or what I wanted them to be? Am I letting past experiences dominate my future? Am I living in the past, trying to alter the present? I don't think so, but there's always an element that wants me to go back to when it was easy, when I knew what I was doing, when I was comfortable and safe. That time has past. I need to head out into the churning waters, leaving the port and harbor of comfort and make my way to the treasure troves of knowledge and experience that lie beyond the visible horizon.
And so I go. Defining myself by what I do, not what I say. God spoke that He looks upon the heart of a man (1 Samuel) to judge his true character. What is in my heart? What am I longing for? What am I doing to satisfy those needs? That's for me to find out and that's for me to answer.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Strength - Not of ourselves but of Christ
So I started a scripture study about strength almost a month ago and I kind of never finished it. I wanted to take time tonight to finish that study and share with you my feelings and thoughts about the first scripture I looked at.
So, since my last post, everything has been super crazy. Emotionally, I've been pretty stable. Maybe because it's been so busy. Maybe not. But this scripture helps me to understand what I have been going through and what I will go through in this next, crucial stage of my life.
The scripture is from The Book of Mormon, the book of Jacob, chapter 5, verse 66. As anyone who is familiar with The Book of Mormon, this chapter gives an analogy of a master and his olive trees. Easily the longest chapter in the Book, many people skim it or even skip it. I can say that I've read it closely only to the parts that (I thought) pertained to missionary work. This verse, however, sheds a whole new light on the whole in my soul and how the Atonement and the Lord helps me to overcome this trial. It reads,
"Wherefore, ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad..."
Now if we can compare that to what I am feeling, allow me to compare the bad to the grief, sorrow, pain, anger, frustration and other negative feelings that come into our lives. Now I am not saying these feelings are inherently bad, but I am just using this comparison. Let the good feelings be happiness, joy, the Holy Spirit and other positive feelings.
I am no expert on trees, but this is what I understand of grafting and taking care of trees:
With trees, you cannot just chop off the whole top all at once. As you do so, you kill the tree and the roots. With Olive trees, they can grow "wild" branches, or olives that are bitter and not useful. You can't cut off all the wild branches all at once because the good branches remaining cannot sustain and strengthen the tree. However, if you cut the bad branches off, one at a time, and allow new ones to grow in its place that are natural and "sweet", then you can transform the tree so that it is all "natural" branches. If your whole tree is "wild", then we must take some good branches from another tree and graft them into the tree you are working on. That process will be slow, but if done right can allow the good branches to change and strengthen the roots and allow the whole tree to produce good fruit.
Now lets bring it back to my life for a moment. In one moment, many bad and negative things came into my life. I felt a hole rip through my soul, leaving it an empty void, sucking the joy and happiness from my life. I became frustrated with myself, my past actions, people trying to help me but not understanding what I needed.... many things. Granted, I did not know what would help me, but I did know what wouldn't help me. For a while, it seemed as if my whole life was bitter, motionless, robotic. As I saw a counselor, he helped me grasp onto one thing to start me which was keeping myself open to relationships and not closing myself off to protect myself from vulnerability. As I did so, I began to "re-experience" joys of being with friends and family. It wasn't easy; isn't easy. Thoughts still come to me like "What if this person got into an accident and died" or what if....(My parents can tell you all the what if questions I could muster up while I was little... They were quite a few.) I am scared of losing someone, anyone I am close to. I am scared of what would happen to me, how I would feel, how I would cope. It doesn't seem bearable. What would happen if I lost my twin brother? It would be excruciating. What would happen if I lost both of my parents? Devastating. These thoughts bombard me, surround me whenever I let my guard down. Somehow I keep these at bay and try to keep myself open even though all these things that are possible. But keeping myself open is one way of cutting off a "wild" branch and letting a "natural" branch grow in its place. It isn't easy and it won't complete any time soon. But it's starting.
And that's how I feel - as I cut off the bad, wild branches and allow new ones to grow, I begin to feel better. Not that I am completely whole, but I am on my way. This empty, sucking void has begun to shrink, it's vortex losing power as I continue on. In the allegory, the servants dig, dung and take care of the roots. In my life, this has been faithful church and temple attendance, scripture reading, writing in my journal, sincere and yearning prayers. Am I perfect at them? Nope. I am working on it though. And as I do so, expressing and exherting self-control over my body and "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19), I feel better. I feel the spirit more, I feel full. I don't quite feel happy yet, but I feel fulfilled in a sense. Whenever you make a right choice, it's that feeling of accomplishment that fills you. That's what I am feeling as I write this blog post, read the scriptures, go to the temple and church, etc. I feel bad because I turned down an invitation to spend time with close friends. That's because I haven't learned total self-control and do things when I need to. I am working on it though. And I feel as I get better, I can extend more back into my normal self. Everything I write is expressly personal opinion.
As I write and express my feelings, I hope that you, as a reader, can make an application of what I share in your life. Not that I expect every reader that comes across my blog to affected; I hope so, but I doubt it. I just hope that you can feel the Spirit of God, telling you what you need to fill your emptiness, your sadness, your trials and afflictions. I'm not the only one in pain. There are countless people surrounding me that are in such pain. But I hope to console, invite and lift people towards Christ and His Gospel. The Atonement or the sufferings and sacrifice of Christ is what lifts me up, fills me and helps me to keep going. None of this comes from me. Just our Lord and Savior. I could never have even started this long and arduous path without Christ. I hope you can do the same - let him into your life. Learn of him, how he helps you, how he loves you. He wants everyone to return to live with our families and our Heavenly Father forever. Of course it depends on our faithfulness, obedience and diligence - but Christ helps us to be able to have the strength to do so.
I took the time to read one verse tonight. All this comes from a dozen words or so. I know that as we study the words of Christ, the Spirit will guide us and direct us to what we need to know or do to receive the help that we need. The scriptures are revelatory of God's will, helping us know what is His will and recognize our purpose on the Earth. We're not perfect, but we can focus on one "bad" branch at a time until, "that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad." May our roots (our foundation) receive nourishment and strength from Christ and not from ourselves. As we rely on him, we can produce good fruits for all to see and to partake of. He will take care of us and help us if we let him.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Mike
So, since my last post, everything has been super crazy. Emotionally, I've been pretty stable. Maybe because it's been so busy. Maybe not. But this scripture helps me to understand what I have been going through and what I will go through in this next, crucial stage of my life.
The scripture is from The Book of Mormon, the book of Jacob, chapter 5, verse 66. As anyone who is familiar with The Book of Mormon, this chapter gives an analogy of a master and his olive trees. Easily the longest chapter in the Book, many people skim it or even skip it. I can say that I've read it closely only to the parts that (I thought) pertained to missionary work. This verse, however, sheds a whole new light on the whole in my soul and how the Atonement and the Lord helps me to overcome this trial. It reads,
"Wherefore, ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad..."
Now if we can compare that to what I am feeling, allow me to compare the bad to the grief, sorrow, pain, anger, frustration and other negative feelings that come into our lives. Now I am not saying these feelings are inherently bad, but I am just using this comparison. Let the good feelings be happiness, joy, the Holy Spirit and other positive feelings.
I am no expert on trees, but this is what I understand of grafting and taking care of trees:
With trees, you cannot just chop off the whole top all at once. As you do so, you kill the tree and the roots. With Olive trees, they can grow "wild" branches, or olives that are bitter and not useful. You can't cut off all the wild branches all at once because the good branches remaining cannot sustain and strengthen the tree. However, if you cut the bad branches off, one at a time, and allow new ones to grow in its place that are natural and "sweet", then you can transform the tree so that it is all "natural" branches. If your whole tree is "wild", then we must take some good branches from another tree and graft them into the tree you are working on. That process will be slow, but if done right can allow the good branches to change and strengthen the roots and allow the whole tree to produce good fruit.
Now lets bring it back to my life for a moment. In one moment, many bad and negative things came into my life. I felt a hole rip through my soul, leaving it an empty void, sucking the joy and happiness from my life. I became frustrated with myself, my past actions, people trying to help me but not understanding what I needed.... many things. Granted, I did not know what would help me, but I did know what wouldn't help me. For a while, it seemed as if my whole life was bitter, motionless, robotic. As I saw a counselor, he helped me grasp onto one thing to start me which was keeping myself open to relationships and not closing myself off to protect myself from vulnerability. As I did so, I began to "re-experience" joys of being with friends and family. It wasn't easy; isn't easy. Thoughts still come to me like "What if this person got into an accident and died" or what if....(My parents can tell you all the what if questions I could muster up while I was little... They were quite a few.) I am scared of losing someone, anyone I am close to. I am scared of what would happen to me, how I would feel, how I would cope. It doesn't seem bearable. What would happen if I lost my twin brother? It would be excruciating. What would happen if I lost both of my parents? Devastating. These thoughts bombard me, surround me whenever I let my guard down. Somehow I keep these at bay and try to keep myself open even though all these things that are possible. But keeping myself open is one way of cutting off a "wild" branch and letting a "natural" branch grow in its place. It isn't easy and it won't complete any time soon. But it's starting.
And that's how I feel - as I cut off the bad, wild branches and allow new ones to grow, I begin to feel better. Not that I am completely whole, but I am on my way. This empty, sucking void has begun to shrink, it's vortex losing power as I continue on. In the allegory, the servants dig, dung and take care of the roots. In my life, this has been faithful church and temple attendance, scripture reading, writing in my journal, sincere and yearning prayers. Am I perfect at them? Nope. I am working on it though. And as I do so, expressing and exherting self-control over my body and "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19), I feel better. I feel the spirit more, I feel full. I don't quite feel happy yet, but I feel fulfilled in a sense. Whenever you make a right choice, it's that feeling of accomplishment that fills you. That's what I am feeling as I write this blog post, read the scriptures, go to the temple and church, etc. I feel bad because I turned down an invitation to spend time with close friends. That's because I haven't learned total self-control and do things when I need to. I am working on it though. And I feel as I get better, I can extend more back into my normal self. Everything I write is expressly personal opinion.
As I write and express my feelings, I hope that you, as a reader, can make an application of what I share in your life. Not that I expect every reader that comes across my blog to affected; I hope so, but I doubt it. I just hope that you can feel the Spirit of God, telling you what you need to fill your emptiness, your sadness, your trials and afflictions. I'm not the only one in pain. There are countless people surrounding me that are in such pain. But I hope to console, invite and lift people towards Christ and His Gospel. The Atonement or the sufferings and sacrifice of Christ is what lifts me up, fills me and helps me to keep going. None of this comes from me. Just our Lord and Savior. I could never have even started this long and arduous path without Christ. I hope you can do the same - let him into your life. Learn of him, how he helps you, how he loves you. He wants everyone to return to live with our families and our Heavenly Father forever. Of course it depends on our faithfulness, obedience and diligence - but Christ helps us to be able to have the strength to do so.
I took the time to read one verse tonight. All this comes from a dozen words or so. I know that as we study the words of Christ, the Spirit will guide us and direct us to what we need to know or do to receive the help that we need. The scriptures are revelatory of God's will, helping us know what is His will and recognize our purpose on the Earth. We're not perfect, but we can focus on one "bad" branch at a time until, "that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad." May our roots (our foundation) receive nourishment and strength from Christ and not from ourselves. As we rely on him, we can produce good fruits for all to see and to partake of. He will take care of us and help us if we let him.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Mike
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