Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Cold Western Front

Cold winds swirl around me as I stare into the reflection of the water next to me.
What is it that you need? What is it that you want? 
Just an hour and a half hour ago I felt sick to my stomach. Stress, anxiety, fear, worry. All feelings that surround my heart and soul. How long has it been since I've been able to have a peaceful night? How long has it been since I could just wake up and know it's going to be a good day? How long has it been since I've wanted to go to sleep, to enter the dreams upon which my nights thrive upon?

My roommate came with me and we went up to campus to seek refuge and solace near the element of Earth that we feel closet to; water. How much I miss the ocean, the waves beating upon the sand! The stream so close to my home that I can go and just listen to it trickle and sway beneath the warm summer moonlight. Even the pool is comforting and welcoming. I guess I feel like Percy Jackson in this sense that water is a comfort and a guide.

I could be pessimistic and I could be seeking attention. But I don't want that; I don't need that. I want to know who I am, what I stand for, and be able to do so confidently. Building myself back up, brick by brick, stone by stone, layer upon layer hasn't been easy. Who is Mike? What does he like to do? What are his aspirations and goals? Are they laden with reminiscing thoughts of what they could have been or what I wanted them to be? Am I letting past experiences dominate my future? Am I living in the past, trying to alter the present? I don't think so, but there's always an element that wants me to go back to when it was easy, when I knew what I was doing, when I was comfortable and safe. That time has past. I need to head out into the churning waters, leaving the port and harbor of comfort and make my way to the treasure troves of knowledge and experience that lie beyond the visible horizon.

And so I go. Defining myself by what I do, not what I say. God spoke that He looks upon the heart of a man (1 Samuel) to judge his true character. What is in my heart? What am I longing for? What am I doing to satisfy those needs? That's for me to find out and that's for me to answer.

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