So I started a scripture study about strength almost a month ago and I kind of never finished it. I wanted to take time tonight to finish that study and share with you my feelings and thoughts about the first scripture I looked at.
So, since my last post, everything has been super crazy. Emotionally, I've been pretty stable. Maybe because it's been so busy. Maybe not. But this scripture helps me to understand what I have been going through and what I will go through in this next, crucial stage of my life.
The scripture is from The Book of Mormon, the book of Jacob, chapter 5, verse 66. As anyone who is familiar with The Book of Mormon, this chapter gives an analogy of a master and his olive trees. Easily the longest chapter in the Book, many people skim it or even skip it. I can say that I've read it closely only to the parts that (I thought) pertained to missionary work. This verse, however, sheds a whole new light on the whole in my soul and how the Atonement and the Lord helps me to overcome this trial. It reads,
"Wherefore, ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad..."
Now if we can compare that to what I am feeling, allow me to compare the bad to the grief, sorrow, pain, anger, frustration and other negative feelings that come into our lives. Now I am not saying these feelings are inherently bad, but I am just using this comparison. Let the good feelings be happiness, joy, the Holy Spirit and other positive feelings.
I am no expert on trees, but this is what I understand of grafting and taking care of trees:
With trees, you cannot just chop off the whole top all at once. As you do so, you kill the tree and the roots. With Olive trees, they can grow "wild" branches, or olives that are bitter and not useful. You can't cut off all the wild branches all at once because the good branches remaining cannot sustain and strengthen the tree. However, if you cut the bad branches off, one at a time, and allow new ones to grow in its place that are natural and "sweet", then you can transform the tree so that it is all "natural" branches. If your whole tree is "wild", then we must take some good branches from another tree and graft them into the tree you are working on. That process will be slow, but if done right can allow the good branches to change and strengthen the roots and allow the whole tree to produce good fruit.
Now lets bring it back to my life for a moment. In one moment, many bad and negative things came into my life. I felt a hole rip through my soul, leaving it an empty void, sucking the joy and happiness from my life. I became frustrated with myself, my past actions, people trying to help me but not understanding what I needed.... many things. Granted, I did not know what would help me, but I did know what wouldn't help me. For a while, it seemed as if my whole life was bitter, motionless, robotic. As I saw a counselor, he helped me grasp onto one thing to start me which was keeping myself open to relationships and not closing myself off to protect myself from vulnerability. As I did so, I began to "re-experience" joys of being with friends and family. It wasn't easy; isn't easy. Thoughts still come to me like "What if this person got into an accident and died" or what if....(My parents can tell you all the what if questions I could muster up while I was little... They were quite a few.) I am scared of losing someone, anyone I am close to. I am scared of what would happen to me, how I would feel, how I would cope. It doesn't seem bearable. What would happen if I lost my twin brother? It would be excruciating. What would happen if I lost both of my parents? Devastating. These thoughts bombard me, surround me whenever I let my guard down. Somehow I keep these at bay and try to keep myself open even though all these things that are possible. But keeping myself open is one way of cutting off a "wild" branch and letting a "natural" branch grow in its place. It isn't easy and it won't complete any time soon. But it's starting.
And that's how I feel - as I cut off the bad, wild branches and allow new ones to grow, I begin to feel better. Not that I am completely whole, but I am on my way. This empty, sucking void has begun to shrink, it's vortex losing power as I continue on. In the allegory, the servants dig, dung and take care of the roots. In my life, this has been faithful church and temple attendance, scripture reading, writing in my journal, sincere and yearning prayers. Am I perfect at them? Nope. I am working on it though. And as I do so, expressing and exherting self-control over my body and "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19), I feel better. I feel the spirit more, I feel full. I don't quite feel happy yet, but I feel fulfilled in a sense. Whenever you make a right choice, it's that feeling of accomplishment that fills you. That's what I am feeling as I write this blog post, read the scriptures, go to the temple and church, etc. I feel bad because I turned down an invitation to spend time with close friends. That's because I haven't learned total self-control and do things when I need to. I am working on it though. And I feel as I get better, I can extend more back into my normal self. Everything I write is expressly personal opinion.
As I write and express my feelings, I hope that you, as a reader, can make an application of what I share in your life. Not that I expect every reader that comes across my blog to affected; I hope so, but I doubt it. I just hope that you can feel the Spirit of God, telling you what you need to fill your emptiness, your sadness, your trials and afflictions. I'm not the only one in pain. There are countless people surrounding me that are in such pain. But I hope to console, invite and lift people towards Christ and His Gospel. The Atonement or the sufferings and sacrifice of Christ is what lifts me up, fills me and helps me to keep going. None of this comes from me. Just our Lord and Savior. I could never have even started this long and arduous path without Christ. I hope you can do the same - let him into your life. Learn of him, how he helps you, how he loves you. He wants everyone to return to live with our families and our Heavenly Father forever. Of course it depends on our faithfulness, obedience and diligence - but Christ helps us to be able to have the strength to do so.
I took the time to read one verse tonight. All this comes from a dozen words or so. I know that as we study the words of Christ, the Spirit will guide us and direct us to what we need to know or do to receive the help that we need. The scriptures are revelatory of God's will, helping us know what is His will and recognize our purpose on the Earth. We're not perfect, but we can focus on one "bad" branch at a time until, "that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad." May our roots (our foundation) receive nourishment and strength from Christ and not from ourselves. As we rely on him, we can produce good fruits for all to see and to partake of. He will take care of us and help us if we let him.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Mike
Friday, March 22, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
It's Been a Month
What a month I've been through. At first I was doing alright. I've been going to classes, taking notes, completing my responsibilities for my job, exercising, eating fairly well, and doing the best I can. Now the pain and sorrow start flooding in. I do my best to keep them at bay, but sometimes it doesn't seem like it's enough. I struggle to pay attention in class and stay on top of homework. I don't want to sleep at night - not only would tomorrow and all the things I have to do come, but the nights are terrible. I don't sleep well anymore. The dreams are too vivid, too tantalizing to be real. When she's there, it's heartbreaking for me when I wake up. When she's not, I anguish and long for her presence to be there. The dreams are too random, too stressful, too many things to do. I'm expected to whip things up on the spot and make sure everything is taken care of. So I wake up exhausted, but I have to go through the next day. What else is there to do? I have to keep pushing because there is nothing for me if I don't. I have to keep going, there is no other way. Sometimes it feels like I am running. Running from something that will overtake me someday, but I have to try to get away. When it does catch up, I feel like it will overtake me, consume me, overwhelm the little strength I have remaining.
I try to rely on the Atonement and Jesus Christ. I know that he's there, supporting me, helping me, catching me when I fall, encouraging me to do the best I can. I know he's there because I am still able to go each morning. When I feel down, somehow... somehow I am able to pick my chin up and make it through the day. When I go to the temple, I feel my burdens lightened and I feel so much better. That's one of the things that's kept me going. I haven't been to the temple this often since I was in the MTC, but it's kept me going. Giving me the strength I need to keep on going.
I started this post because it's been a month since Carmody has passed away. I miss her so much. I know she's fine, but I'm not. Everything I look at reminds me of her. Everything I do, reminds me of something we did together. I look towards her apartment and sadness fills my whole being. I see a girl studying out in the sun and for a fleeting moment I think it's Carmody. Reminding me of the hole I have in my chest. This empty void that begs to be filled. But it can't. I'm holding on to her and the memories we have. Maybe all the pictures I took of her help me as I look through them. Maybe they open the wound wider, reminding me of the void that seems to be growing. Nothing I can do will bring her back to me right now. If it had been God's will that she stay, it would have happened. I would have been prepared to do whatever I needed to do to support her, strengthen her and keep her health. After Elder Bednar's CES fireside last month, I wonder if I have/had the faith to let her go. I have faith in Jesus Christ. I know the Book of Mormon to be the Word of God. Christ's church is back on the Earth, with His authority given to men called by Him. Thomas S. Monson is His prophet and is inspired, guided and does the Lord's will. I have that faith. I have that surety that all that is true. But still I'm struggling. Am I still clinging on to Carmody because I lack that faith to let her go? I know that God does nothing except for the good of our experience. Trials build us up, strengthen us, help us come closer to Him. But I feel like I am shrinking from the bitter cup. I don't want to admit that she's gone on to the next stage of life. I don't want to think that I can't hold her hand while in mortality. I miss her warmth, her charity, her compassion, her love, her wisdom, her intelligence. I miss her strength. I miss her hugs. I miss her. I don't have that person with me that I could share anything and everything with. I put everything into this relationship. I put it on the line, letting myself be vulnerable to rejection. She accepted me for who I was, faults and strengths alike. Now she's not here, and that relationship no longer sustains and uplifts me. I have the hope that I can move forward with my life. Accept the loss, embrace it, and be able to hold her in a special place in my heart. There's the light at the end of the tunnel that I can be alright. But that's not today. Not now. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. My roommate had me read a talk by Elder Wirthlin's talk, "One step after another". Talks like that help me keep going. But that's all I can do right now. Just keep on going. Someday it will all work out.
No one can predict the ups and downs that you'll experience. Especially not me. Sometimes amazing things happen. Other times, life just appears to be plain devastating. Sometimes you live looking forward to a certain date. Others, you just have to focus on finishing the day. No matter what, you can't predict the happiness you'll have, the problems that will appear, the sadness of loss; nothing. We do know one thing however. Christ came to Earth and went:
"forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of ever kind and
this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the
sicknesses of his people.
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loos the bands of death which bind his
people and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy,
according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people
according to their infirmities."
- Alma 7:11-12
I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He is our Savior and Redeemer. He has given us the Gospel to provide us with comfort and strength. His hand is always reaching towards us, ready to lift us up. I know that he does this with me. Every time I turn to him, I am lifted up. I may be hurting right now, be in grief, affliction and in pain, but this won't last forever. Our afflictions, pains and even death is swallowed up in Christ. I'm working to get myself there. Learning from this experience and trying to reach out to others that are also in pain. Helping them understand life, come closer to Christ. That's where real Joy and Happiness lie, is within His Gospel and Obedience to all the Commandments given to us and the Covenants we've made. While I focus on Him, it's not so bad and it gives me hope and faith that I'll be alright someday.
- Mike
I try to rely on the Atonement and Jesus Christ. I know that he's there, supporting me, helping me, catching me when I fall, encouraging me to do the best I can. I know he's there because I am still able to go each morning. When I feel down, somehow... somehow I am able to pick my chin up and make it through the day. When I go to the temple, I feel my burdens lightened and I feel so much better. That's one of the things that's kept me going. I haven't been to the temple this often since I was in the MTC, but it's kept me going. Giving me the strength I need to keep on going.
I started this post because it's been a month since Carmody has passed away. I miss her so much. I know she's fine, but I'm not. Everything I look at reminds me of her. Everything I do, reminds me of something we did together. I look towards her apartment and sadness fills my whole being. I see a girl studying out in the sun and for a fleeting moment I think it's Carmody. Reminding me of the hole I have in my chest. This empty void that begs to be filled. But it can't. I'm holding on to her and the memories we have. Maybe all the pictures I took of her help me as I look through them. Maybe they open the wound wider, reminding me of the void that seems to be growing. Nothing I can do will bring her back to me right now. If it had been God's will that she stay, it would have happened. I would have been prepared to do whatever I needed to do to support her, strengthen her and keep her health. After Elder Bednar's CES fireside last month, I wonder if I have/had the faith to let her go. I have faith in Jesus Christ. I know the Book of Mormon to be the Word of God. Christ's church is back on the Earth, with His authority given to men called by Him. Thomas S. Monson is His prophet and is inspired, guided and does the Lord's will. I have that faith. I have that surety that all that is true. But still I'm struggling. Am I still clinging on to Carmody because I lack that faith to let her go? I know that God does nothing except for the good of our experience. Trials build us up, strengthen us, help us come closer to Him. But I feel like I am shrinking from the bitter cup. I don't want to admit that she's gone on to the next stage of life. I don't want to think that I can't hold her hand while in mortality. I miss her warmth, her charity, her compassion, her love, her wisdom, her intelligence. I miss her strength. I miss her hugs. I miss her. I don't have that person with me that I could share anything and everything with. I put everything into this relationship. I put it on the line, letting myself be vulnerable to rejection. She accepted me for who I was, faults and strengths alike. Now she's not here, and that relationship no longer sustains and uplifts me. I have the hope that I can move forward with my life. Accept the loss, embrace it, and be able to hold her in a special place in my heart. There's the light at the end of the tunnel that I can be alright. But that's not today. Not now. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. My roommate had me read a talk by Elder Wirthlin's talk, "One step after another". Talks like that help me keep going. But that's all I can do right now. Just keep on going. Someday it will all work out.
No one can predict the ups and downs that you'll experience. Especially not me. Sometimes amazing things happen. Other times, life just appears to be plain devastating. Sometimes you live looking forward to a certain date. Others, you just have to focus on finishing the day. No matter what, you can't predict the happiness you'll have, the problems that will appear, the sadness of loss; nothing. We do know one thing however. Christ came to Earth and went:
"forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of ever kind and
this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the
sicknesses of his people.
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loos the bands of death which bind his
people and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy,
according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people
according to their infirmities."
- Alma 7:11-12
I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He is our Savior and Redeemer. He has given us the Gospel to provide us with comfort and strength. His hand is always reaching towards us, ready to lift us up. I know that he does this with me. Every time I turn to him, I am lifted up. I may be hurting right now, be in grief, affliction and in pain, but this won't last forever. Our afflictions, pains and even death is swallowed up in Christ. I'm working to get myself there. Learning from this experience and trying to reach out to others that are also in pain. Helping them understand life, come closer to Christ. That's where real Joy and Happiness lie, is within His Gospel and Obedience to all the Commandments given to us and the Covenants we've made. While I focus on Him, it's not so bad and it gives me hope and faith that I'll be alright someday.
- Mike
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I'm back
So, it's been a while since I've posted. Not very good at this, yet. But here I go again.
___________________
Here are some things that I have experienced from the past couple weeks and how the Lord has blessed me through his infinite and powerful atonement:
Here's a url to online scriptures if you would like to read them in context: http://www.lds.org/scriptures?lang=eng
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 : The Lord shall visit us in our afflictions, there Paul takes pleasure in trials because he can draw nearer to the Lord Jesus Christ. We can draw nearer to Christ in these times and our weak moments will become strengths. (See Ether 12:27)
Mosiah 24:14 : The Lord made the burden's of Alma's people bearable. So has He with mine. His hands are in all things and has certainly blessed me.
Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8 - All of our experiences shall be for our good. Christ has descended far below what I could ever experience. He can succor, support and raise me up in my afflictions. (See Alma 7:11-12)
Carmody's death has turned my world upside down and inside out, and yet the Gospel of Jesus Christ holds me together. His comforter has been ever present with me and that's the only reason I can make it from day to day. It gives me strength and energy and just enough for me to make it to the next day. It's like a spotter in weight lifting. You help them just enough to help them bring the weights back to the top. If you help too much, they won't get as much benefit from it. Yeah, it's harder. Yeah, it's not fun sometimes. But in the end, the results are so much more stronger and helpful. I've seen those blessings in my life over the past month and I've been trying to serve God and my fellow man so that they can benefit from what I am learning and going through. The more I help people, the closer I feel to the Spirit and the kind of joy that I received on my mission. It's all I've got going for me right now.
___________________
Here are some things that I have experienced from the past couple weeks and how the Lord has blessed me through his infinite and powerful atonement:
Here's a url to online scriptures if you would like to read them in context: http://www.lds.org/scriptures?lang=eng
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 : The Lord shall visit us in our afflictions, there Paul takes pleasure in trials because he can draw nearer to the Lord Jesus Christ. We can draw nearer to Christ in these times and our weak moments will become strengths. (See Ether 12:27)
Mosiah 24:14 : The Lord made the burden's of Alma's people bearable. So has He with mine. His hands are in all things and has certainly blessed me.
Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8 - All of our experiences shall be for our good. Christ has descended far below what I could ever experience. He can succor, support and raise me up in my afflictions. (See Alma 7:11-12)
Carmody's death has turned my world upside down and inside out, and yet the Gospel of Jesus Christ holds me together. His comforter has been ever present with me and that's the only reason I can make it from day to day. It gives me strength and energy and just enough for me to make it to the next day. It's like a spotter in weight lifting. You help them just enough to help them bring the weights back to the top. If you help too much, they won't get as much benefit from it. Yeah, it's harder. Yeah, it's not fun sometimes. But in the end, the results are so much more stronger and helpful. I've seen those blessings in my life over the past month and I've been trying to serve God and my fellow man so that they can benefit from what I am learning and going through. The more I help people, the closer I feel to the Spirit and the kind of joy that I received on my mission. It's all I've got going for me right now.
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