So I guess reading the news at 4:30 in the morning and a BYU dating blog made by ladies enthused by Austen literature isn't enough for me to go back to sleep. So here is a long, long overdue blog post.
I can finally proclaim myself as a true Cali boy - I have learned the art of surfing. As if that makes someone from California ;). I can stand up and ride the wave. Now don't let any misguided thoughts get into your head - if you start picturing the guy that rides down the wave, through the curl and looks super awesome -- That's not me. I just get up and ride little itty-bitty waves. Maybe that will come with time and a LOT of practice.
So this summer has been interesting. I intentionally took upon me as little responsibility as I could. It was like a weight off of my shoulders. Since February, life has been like a roller coaster. Points where I've been on top of the world and others where I am curled up sobbing. Points where I want to move forward, and more where I gaze longingly back to what I once had. It's not my fault. It's not even her fault. Her time was up and she was swept, deftly and calmly back into heaven from whence she came.
Time and time again my thoughts go back to her. I find that I repeat myself constantly. It's like I'm in a whirlpool to everlasting misery and woe. My mind goes back to the good times and the bad. The giggles and the laughter, to the serious and determined conversations. She was as serious about me as I ever was about her. She made me several keepsakes that remind me of the impact I had on her life. Like 52 things she loved about me. I didn't know there was more than 5. Some of the things she admired came naturally, others came with a lot of work and patience. Some of them blew me away as being an attractive quality. But having these "recuerdos" or reminders in my hands and possession remind me that I had a positive impact on her life. I only got to pretend that she was mine to keep. Maybe that will change, but God needs me to learn something else before I can move on. I don't know quite what it is yet, but I think I still have some maturing to do and some naivety to overcome.
I volunteered at a police station, reading crime reports and helping to make maps for the division leaders to analyze. That was interesting to say the least. Every time I picked up a report, it was a dazzling new aspect of how someone could be so stupid or how violent and evil some people can be. Some of the things I read will taint my mind forever and have given me a certain amount of doubt among people I don't know or don't trust. How some people can go from good, to bad, to evil. People think that evil things happen occasionally and only abroad. It's all around us and happening continuously. I'm not trying to be cynical, just realistic. And to protect myself and those around me from the evils in this world. Anyways, with the aside aside, it was enlightening to say the least. And that I will never become a police officer.
I got to meet new people. My YSA ward back home is comprised of 2 stakes and me, happening to live on the very boundary of both stakes, means I get the longest possible drive to any function whatsoever. And without a car or means to pay for one or maintain one, I felt bad using my parents car and gas ALL the time. But I made it to a few where I met some great people and had a lot of fun. Seeing my best friend was really good and he and I even went out to surf once. It was in the afternoon, so it was really windy and crowded (which wasn't fun) but we had a good time. I made a friend in Santa Barbara and we got to know each other and have fun together. It was definitely good making new friends back home.
I also got to swim in my pool (YES!), go on walks, go surfing with Dave, play video and spend some much needed family time. I even got to spend some time in San Diego with my Aunt's family that I've never really gotten to know. To say the least, that was one of the highlights of my summer. I wish we could have been around each other a lot sooner. Family has helped me out so much in my life, especially the past few months, that I will be eternally grateful for them and all the time and effort spent on me to make me into who I am today. They are the best.
While that was all well and good, it also felt like I was spinning my wheels sometimes. Wasting time. However, wasting time sometimes is a good thing. Being relaxed and doing whatever is a good thing. Sometimes. I guess I am still in partial-missionary mode with the go-go-go reflexes. But even sitting in my new apartment, I wish that life would not come rushing back so fast. From no responsibility to LOTS of responsibility is kind of scaring me. From not having to focus on anything, to focus on very specific things for long measures of the day (aka classes and studying) - it really has me worried. Will I be able to do this? Can I get through it? Will this be an enjoyable experience? It all depends on me and some days, that strikes terror into my very soul.
Why? Because it means I have to move on. I have to come back to reality. Yes, what happened to me was tragic. But I cannot use it as a crutch anymore. To quote my mom, I'm in a transitional station. Where I absolutely do not want to let go of Carmody, what she meant to me and my old life. To becoming the man that God expects me to be. I cannot wallow in sorrow and pain. We sang a hymn in church, where it talked about Christ helping us through the valley of death. I am done wallowing there. It's nothing but heartache and a longing for what cannot be. It's like the Mirror of Erised (Mirror of Desire). JK Rowling had inscripted around the glass "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi" or "I show not your face but your heart's desire." Harry sits there, enamored by being surrounded by his family that he has never met. Ron sees him triumphing over all of the shadows cast by his elder brothers. If I were to look into the mirror, I wouldn't be holding a pair of socks as Dumbledore claims to see, but a happy life with Carmody. Dumbledore issues a warning to Harry that he must not come down again because many men have gone insane from viewing the heart's desire but not being able to get it. So with the analogy of Harry Potter, I don't have an actual mirror of Erised. But I do have memories. I do have my comfort zone. I have things that I haven't been willing to give up. Of course I will love Carmody forever. But I fear that if I don't move on, my imaginary mirror will drive me insane.
Does it mean it will be easy? Of course not. I will have lots of things to learn how to deal with. Many of which cannot be found in any instructional booklet. But I do have the gift of the Holy Ghost, given to me after the sacred ordinance of baptism. As long as I am righteous, and worthy to have its presence, I need not fear what will happen over the course of the next few days, months and years. I just need to put my hand in God's and let him take me out of this valley of death, away from this mirror, and onto the things He has planned for me and eventually reaching the goals I want.
So in summary, I guess you can say the summer has been a turning point. Not one day, or minute, or even second, but a slow, gradual change. Much like Elder David A. Bednar's talk of revelation and the rising of the sun. Slowly the light comes. And slowly I will walk with it until it becomes clear with what I need to do. I'm not going to go any faster than I need to. But I'm starting.
