For those quiet, small moments

In quiet moments, when I feel bereft and alone, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say. Sometimes I don't even know what to do. I've even asked close friends what they do when life gets tough, when the road gets bumpy, when the way is just plain, old difficult.

Throughout the years, the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes and the moments of this life, we've all passed through some kind of difficulty. I won't even try to guess or understand what you all have felt. I do, however, know what I have felt, and keep on feeling. It is not easy. Sometimes it's not even understandable. But I do know this - that Heavenly Father has been there for me. For the first time since the week of Carmody's passing, this morning I watched a slideshow a dear friend put together for her funeral. The song that will ever touch my soul and ultimately utter peace to it, "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee" is so very touching and helps give us understanding of how the Gospel works. Moments pass, where we feel forgotten. Minutes touch where we feel alone. Days, months and sometimes years pass where we feel that God has forsaken us. My testimony to you today is that HE DOES NOT. He is an EVER loving Heavenly Father. He does not forget us. His Son, Jesus Christ, has said, "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of MY hands; thy walls are continually before me." (Isaiah 49:16) We are not forgotten and hardly are we ever alone. Elder Holland has taught and testified,

"His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—   the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil,prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].” ^{(John 14:18,23)}

I thank all my friends and angels that God has sent to me, seen and unseen. I hope always that Carmody is around me to comfort me and give me support. Most importantly, I know that through His divine providence, that He has comforted me. It wasn't He who turned His face from me, it was me failing to look up at him. For long, long moments have I stared at the ground, trudging my way through the darkness and frailties of life. It is time for me to look up, take His outstretched hand. (2 Nephi 19:4 [towards the end of the verse])

"Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, will I cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and everlasting God. Amen" (2 Nephi 4:35)


References to enjoy
My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwzMNKAT0p4
None Were With Him
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him?lang=eng

Messages: Don't close yourself off

I went tunnel singing tonight and it was, as usual, really good. Last week, I could only think of Carmody and how much I missed her. This week, however, was a different story.

It is not one of rebuke, but gentle guidance. It is of kind correction. It is leading me by the hand, softly pulling me in the direction I need to go.

Let me put the hymns down that were those:

Where Can I Turn for Peace

   Where can I turn for peace?

   Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?

   When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,

I draw myself apart, Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows

Where, when I languish, where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

He answers privately

Reaches my reaching

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind, Love without end

So, let's just say, for me... that's a slap on the wrist. For thinking that friends can't help. For thinking I am alone. For thinking I'm the only one suffering. For being selfish.

I can change me. Yeah, it'll be hard, but it's doable. And with all the friends I have - there's no way I can't get over this. There's just too many people rooting for me. Too many people just BEING there for me. And I love them for that. And can't believe they'd put up with a wreck like me. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. 

I once was lost, but now am found. 

There are angels all around me to bear me up - I just have to let them.

Self-reliance

There's so many ways I've contemplated writing this post. Some of them have been in the form of taking a hatchet to wood to release some anger. Some of them have cautiously formed into somber soliloquies, bemoaning my misfortune and emotions. If you really wanted a taste of what I'm feeling, I figure you'd come talk to me... but most people don't want to hear it. Not because they're unsympathetic. Just they don't know what to say or what to do. As a matter of fact, I don't know what to do or say. It's just fact. Deep down inside I feel horrible. Sure I cover it up with doing my job, going to school and being with friends. But it's always there. Lurking, seeking some way to express itself. There's no need for sympathy. It does nothing.

My thoughts are a loop. Everything reminds me of her. A pen cap, a picture, a flower, a certain time of day, a rainbow, thunderstorms, couples walking across campus. I even think I see her sometimes. A quick flick of light brown, curly hair in ringlets in a light teal blouse. Nope. Not her. A smile, a profile, a mention of dietetics, nutrition. The list is never ending. Every song that comes on Pandora is somehow linked to her. Or to me. A frisbee. A bee. It all comes back and never leaves.

How do I break out of it? You know that clip from Hitch where Albert says that as long as he's connected to her somehow, even if he's miserable, he'll accept that. Now, I don't want to be miserable forever, but how can I ever move on without feeling like I'm betraying Carmody? If it means being connected to her still, then so be it. Now, maybe the pain will lessen over time or my ability to bear it will increase. But I want that connection forever and always and I will never, ever let her go. Someone once told me that my loyalty is one of my strengths - also one of my weaknesses. There's nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better. They've tried. It just doesn't work. I love her and I always will and there's nothing to ease the pain.

I've come to realize that, at least for now, it just comes down to me. For the longest time I've relied on other people to help me get the hardest things of my life. But all in all, it's dependent on me. I'm glad I've got a ton of people supporting me and helping me. Now I need to pick up the ball and go with it.

Taking the next step in life is difficult - President Uchtdorf gave a message in one of the ensigns and maybe even a conference talk that we need to put one foot in front of the other, even if we can't see sometimes the full path ahead of us. Sometimes, I don't even know where the next step is. But I do know that if I return to the basics: scripture study, honest and sincere prayer, church and temple attendance, I can get back on my feet. Somehow, someway. Maybe not now or anytime soon. But I do know this: Christ will not leave me out wandering. He will find me, guide me, walk beside me when I need it. It's His timing, not mine. I mean, who am I to argue God's timing who sees everything since the world began, to the present to eternity. He knows what's best for me and when it's best for me. Now it's just my job to be ready.