Self-reliance

There's so many ways I've contemplated writing this post. Some of them have been in the form of taking a hatchet to wood to release some anger. Some of them have cautiously formed into somber soliloquies, bemoaning my misfortune and emotions. If you really wanted a taste of what I'm feeling, I figure you'd come talk to me... but most people don't want to hear it. Not because they're unsympathetic. Just they don't know what to say or what to do. As a matter of fact, I don't know what to do or say. It's just fact. Deep down inside I feel horrible. Sure I cover it up with doing my job, going to school and being with friends. But it's always there. Lurking, seeking some way to express itself. There's no need for sympathy. It does nothing.

My thoughts are a loop. Everything reminds me of her. A pen cap, a picture, a flower, a certain time of day, a rainbow, thunderstorms, couples walking across campus. I even think I see her sometimes. A quick flick of light brown, curly hair in ringlets in a light teal blouse. Nope. Not her. A smile, a profile, a mention of dietetics, nutrition. The list is never ending. Every song that comes on Pandora is somehow linked to her. Or to me. A frisbee. A bee. It all comes back and never leaves.

How do I break out of it? You know that clip from Hitch where Albert says that as long as he's connected to her somehow, even if he's miserable, he'll accept that. Now, I don't want to be miserable forever, but how can I ever move on without feeling like I'm betraying Carmody? If it means being connected to her still, then so be it. Now, maybe the pain will lessen over time or my ability to bear it will increase. But I want that connection forever and always and I will never, ever let her go. Someone once told me that my loyalty is one of my strengths - also one of my weaknesses. There's nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better. They've tried. It just doesn't work. I love her and I always will and there's nothing to ease the pain.

I've come to realize that, at least for now, it just comes down to me. For the longest time I've relied on other people to help me get the hardest things of my life. But all in all, it's dependent on me. I'm glad I've got a ton of people supporting me and helping me. Now I need to pick up the ball and go with it.

Taking the next step in life is difficult - President Uchtdorf gave a message in one of the ensigns and maybe even a conference talk that we need to put one foot in front of the other, even if we can't see sometimes the full path ahead of us. Sometimes, I don't even know where the next step is. But I do know that if I return to the basics: scripture study, honest and sincere prayer, church and temple attendance, I can get back on my feet. Somehow, someway. Maybe not now or anytime soon. But I do know this: Christ will not leave me out wandering. He will find me, guide me, walk beside me when I need it. It's His timing, not mine. I mean, who am I to argue God's timing who sees everything since the world began, to the present to eternity. He knows what's best for me and when it's best for me. Now it's just my job to be ready.