Forever and Always

I was listening to this song today on pandora: 

"She's sitting at the table, the hours get later

He was supposed to be here

She's sure he would have called

She waits a little longer, there's no one in the driveway

No one's said they've seen him

Why, is something wrong?

She looks back to the window

Suddenly the phone rings

A voice says something's happened

That she should come right now

Her mind goes to December

She thinks of when he asked her

He bent down on his knees first

And he said"

"I want you forever, forever and always

Through the good and the bad and the ugly

We'll grow old together

Forever and always"

"She pulls up to the entrance

She walks right to the front desk

They lead her down a million halls, a maze that's never ending

They talk about what happened but she can barely hear them

She tries to keep a straight face as she walks into the room

She sits by his bedside, holds his hand too tight

They talk about the kids they're gonna have and the good life

The house on the hillside, where they would stay"

"Stay there forever, forever and always

Through the good and the bad and the ugly"

"We'll grow old together, and always remember

Whether rich or for poor or for better

We'll still love each other, forever and always"

"Then she gets an idea and calls in the nurses

Brings up the chaplain and he says a couple verses

She borrows some rings from the couple next door

Everybody's laughing as the tears fall on the floor

She looks into his eyes, and she says"

"I want you forever, forever and always

Through the good and the bad and the ugly

We'll grow old together, and always remember

Whether happy or sad or whatever

We'll still love each other, forever and always

Forever and always, forever and always"

"She finishes the vows but the beeps are getting too slow

His voice is almost too low

As he says, I love you forever, forever and always

Please just remember even if I'm not there

I'll always love you, forever and always"

-Forever and Always by Parachute

I know it's not exactly the same situation as mine, but I feel exactly the same. I love Carmody - I was with her through the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though our time together on Earth was short, I know that through the Atonement of Christ, everything will be made right and I can be with her forever. 

Reflections

Reflections are an interesting thing to think about.

From reflections in a mirror to reflection of light off of water. Reflection can even be the color that comes off of surfaces that we see.

While I was spending some time at my cousin's house, he showed me a physics program he had on his computer that could emulation how water reflected off of water. You could change the angle of the light and see how much light went into the water and how much reflected off of the top. There's an angle where all the light will reflect off of the top of the water (I forget what it is called). 

This all came to my as I was thinking about me. Dad suggested I take time to meditate. I kinda shrugged it off because whenever I meditate I always wind myself up more than relaxing or just go in circles. I've tried to do some meditating just try it out again. Once I started I found myself going in circles about video games or other non-important things. But today was a bit different. Today was the first day I went inside of a hospital since Carmody passed. My aunt just had her baby and we went to go pick up my Nana. I elected to stay outside in the waiting room and rested my elbows on a banister of the 4th floor overlooking the entrance. Then I tried to think. Recent months have been filled of memories of Carmody. A lot of them I tried to suppress  I didn't want to think about that. I didn't want to miss her even more. But as hard as I tried not to dwell on them, the more they came back. I don't think I've stopped fighting them, but I am trying to reflect on them. One of my friends posted something on twitter that said "Let your past make you better, not bitter." I've felt more recently that I'm starting to become bitter. At night I just tell myself I want her back. During the day I see millions of things that remind me of her. The reminders never stop. I'm beginning to suspect that they will always be there. But how I let them affect me makes all the difference. Right now, it reminds me of what I don't have and what I've lost. Not forever, but for the rest of mortality. I have faith that things will work out. But as many of you know, I can be very impatient. 

But back to the reflections - I've begun to think that my reflections have been very superficial, kinda like light reflecting off of the top of the water. I don't know how to reflect without the hurt, but maybe this is the start of a process.