Reflections are an interesting thing to think about.
From reflections in a mirror to reflection of light off of water. Reflection can even be the color that comes off of surfaces that we see.
While I was spending some time at my cousin's house, he showed me a physics program he had on his computer that could emulation how water reflected off of water. You could change the angle of the light and see how much light went into the water and how much reflected off of the top. There's an angle where all the light will reflect off of the top of the water (I forget what it is called).
This all came to my as I was thinking about me. Dad suggested I take time to meditate. I kinda shrugged it off because whenever I meditate I always wind myself up more than relaxing or just go in circles. I've tried to do some meditating just try it out again. Once I started I found myself going in circles about video games or other non-important things. But today was a bit different. Today was the first day I went inside of a hospital since Carmody passed. My aunt just had her baby and we went to go pick up my Nana. I elected to stay outside in the waiting room and rested my elbows on a banister of the 4th floor overlooking the entrance. Then I tried to think. Recent months have been filled of memories of Carmody. A lot of them I tried to suppress I didn't want to think about that. I didn't want to miss her even more. But as hard as I tried not to dwell on them, the more they came back. I don't think I've stopped fighting them, but I am trying to reflect on them. One of my friends posted something on twitter that said "Let your past make you better, not bitter." I've felt more recently that I'm starting to become bitter. At night I just tell myself I want her back. During the day I see millions of things that remind me of her. The reminders never stop. I'm beginning to suspect that they will always be there. But how I let them affect me makes all the difference. Right now, it reminds me of what I don't have and what I've lost. Not forever, but for the rest of mortality. I have faith that things will work out. But as many of you know, I can be very impatient.
But back to the reflections - I've begun to think that my reflections have been very superficial, kinda like light reflecting off of the top of the water. I don't know how to reflect without the hurt, but maybe this is the start of a process.
Thanks for your thoughts, Mike. You are not entirely alone. There are others who have been feeling some of your pain and Christ has felt all of it. He is there for you, and I know that is true. It can be possible to reflect more deeply...it just takes time. Keep staying strong, friend. :) ~ an old co-worker
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