Someone asked me how my blog was going the other day. I told them that I hadn't written in a while. The truth behind the stoppage is that I feel like I'm complaining too much or publicly reminiscing to get attention or anything else you can fit along those lines. I just feel like people are getting tired of me talking about Carmody. No one has said anything but yet it's the vibe I give to myself. Maybe I just psych myself out. It's never my intention to call attention to myself.
But with that, I still feel like that is my only inspiration to write. My muse if you will. It's just that nothing else has given me the motivation to share what I'm feeling. Maybe it's because I don't really feel anything outside of it. What am I going to write about? The annoying EFY kids that play ding dong door ditch on my door? Or how they get stuck in elevators? (The building I live in is our problem child and decides to shut off the elevator from time to time.)
I guess that would work. However, I feel that it would mostly be a log of events rather than heart felt "story" writing. I use the word "story" because I want you, the readers, to connect with it, to understand it, to be able to see where I come from, and if I did it right, go on the journey with me a bit. Nothing I ever write is fictitious or embellished in any way. My intention is that Mike Watson comes out through the words, that you can feel my soul communicating with you rather than just words on a page. That is the true pleasure I gain form being with people. That those around me not see a face, or hear a name, but find a person, vibrant, filled with passions, yearnings, hopes and dreams, fears, flaws and mistakes. A layered onion according to the analogy given in Shrek(not all ogres are horrible and mean).
Wrapping all that into my intro, I feel like my soul is only visible, only found when I talk about two things: the Gospel and Carmody. That at any other time, it is protected, wrapped, taped, glued, bolted and soldered shut. Which I didn't realize consciously until just now. Yeah, I knew I could get really get to be myself when I talk about Carmody. But that just brings hard memories and feelings to deal with and thereafter I shut the floodgates of emotion.
On the other hand, when I can have a sit down conversation of the Gospel with a true seeker of Christ, trying to more fully understand their role in His plan, how they can come closer to Him or in general about The Plan, I get giddy, excited and just want to pull out the scriptures, have every general conference out and just have an elaborate discussion of the Gospel.
How do I escape this trench though? To bare my soul again, to have it open, to be able to make those connections it so deeply desires, yet shudders away at the though. Again, just more questions that I have to answer. But it's ok. I'm alive, I've got work, I'm in school, I'm busy, I've got great friends and family to support me and I'm on my way, riding after that sunset seeking my paradise and my future.
