Someone asked me how my blog was going the other day. I told them that I hadn't written in a while. The truth behind the stoppage is that I feel like I'm complaining too much or publicly reminiscing to get attention or anything else you can fit along those lines. I just feel like people are getting tired of me talking about Carmody. No one has said anything but yet it's the vibe I give to myself. Maybe I just psych myself out. It's never my intention to call attention to myself.
But with that, I still feel like that is my only inspiration to write. My muse if you will. It's just that nothing else has given me the motivation to share what I'm feeling. Maybe it's because I don't really feel anything outside of it. What am I going to write about? The annoying EFY kids that play ding dong door ditch on my door? Or how they get stuck in elevators? (The building I live in is our problem child and decides to shut off the elevator from time to time.)
I guess that would work. However, I feel that it would mostly be a log of events rather than heart felt "story" writing. I use the word "story" because I want you, the readers, to connect with it, to understand it, to be able to see where I come from, and if I did it right, go on the journey with me a bit. Nothing I ever write is fictitious or embellished in any way. My intention is that Mike Watson comes out through the words, that you can feel my soul communicating with you rather than just words on a page. That is the true pleasure I gain form being with people. That those around me not see a face, or hear a name, but find a person, vibrant, filled with passions, yearnings, hopes and dreams, fears, flaws and mistakes. A layered onion according to the analogy given in Shrek(not all ogres are horrible and mean).
Wrapping all that into my intro, I feel like my soul is only visible, only found when I talk about two things: the Gospel and Carmody. That at any other time, it is protected, wrapped, taped, glued, bolted and soldered shut. Which I didn't realize consciously until just now. Yeah, I knew I could get really get to be myself when I talk about Carmody. But that just brings hard memories and feelings to deal with and thereafter I shut the floodgates of emotion.
On the other hand, when I can have a sit down conversation of the Gospel with a true seeker of Christ, trying to more fully understand their role in His plan, how they can come closer to Him or in general about The Plan, I get giddy, excited and just want to pull out the scriptures, have every general conference out and just have an elaborate discussion of the Gospel.
How do I escape this trench though? To bare my soul again, to have it open, to be able to make those connections it so deeply desires, yet shudders away at the though. Again, just more questions that I have to answer. But it's ok. I'm alive, I've got work, I'm in school, I'm busy, I've got great friends and family to support me and I'm on my way, riding after that sunset seeking my paradise and my future.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Swept Dreams
There she stands - just as beautiful as she ever was.
"You're back," I state confusedly but with a huge smile on my face. I reach out and embrace her with the intentions of never letting her out of my sight again. "I've missed you so much!" I exclaim, holding back the tears.
We go to church and some girl snapchats me or texts me. She gets this chiseled look in her jaw and I know she's upset and jealous that I would pay attention to another girl and not her. I never would want to make her jealous, but it all the same pleases me that someone cared like that about me again. I pull her aside and tell her, "Look, I've had to put a wall up in my heart to section you off when you died. It's going to take some time for me to take it down. But I'm going to. You're here now and..." beep beep beep beep
Worst. Alarm. Ever.
Experiences like these are hard enough in their own right to deal with while I'm dreaming. I have to counteract all that I was struggling with that a sudden solution has presented itself. Instantly, things CAN be alright again. I don't have to date again. I don't have to try to balance my heart out. She's back and everything's okay. I've got my love back and the world is suddenly right for a moment.
Or not. While in this other state of reality everything is well, not perfect, but almost. My major concerns are solved. Suddenly the stress drains away. The anger, the confusion, the sadness is gone. For a lingering moment. Then when I wake up, it still feels the same. But I know she's not here. I think, however, that I'm still on my dream "high". In a couple more hours, everything will come crashing down again. In a couple more hours, I have to face reality again.
Dreams. In the moment they can be a wonderful bliss. The next it can be all swept away.
"You're back," I state confusedly but with a huge smile on my face. I reach out and embrace her with the intentions of never letting her out of my sight again. "I've missed you so much!" I exclaim, holding back the tears.
We go to church and some girl snapchats me or texts me. She gets this chiseled look in her jaw and I know she's upset and jealous that I would pay attention to another girl and not her. I never would want to make her jealous, but it all the same pleases me that someone cared like that about me again. I pull her aside and tell her, "Look, I've had to put a wall up in my heart to section you off when you died. It's going to take some time for me to take it down. But I'm going to. You're here now and..." beep beep beep beep
Worst. Alarm. Ever.
Experiences like these are hard enough in their own right to deal with while I'm dreaming. I have to counteract all that I was struggling with that a sudden solution has presented itself. Instantly, things CAN be alright again. I don't have to date again. I don't have to try to balance my heart out. She's back and everything's okay. I've got my love back and the world is suddenly right for a moment.
Or not. While in this other state of reality everything is well, not perfect, but almost. My major concerns are solved. Suddenly the stress drains away. The anger, the confusion, the sadness is gone. For a lingering moment. Then when I wake up, it still feels the same. But I know she's not here. I think, however, that I'm still on my dream "high". In a couple more hours, everything will come crashing down again. In a couple more hours, I have to face reality again.
Dreams. In the moment they can be a wonderful bliss. The next it can be all swept away.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
The Sacrament, a blessed and loving gift
Once a upon a time, I thought that the sacrament was supposed to be full of rigor and tradition. That the deacons should turn in place 90 degrees (like I learned in marching band). I have not thought that way in a long time, but the thought dawned on me that it is a gift of love, not a rigid thing that must be marched every Sunday.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle of Jesus Christ, said in October 2008 in a general conference session to the LDS church and to the world, "The ordinance of the sacrament makes the sacrament meeting the most sacred and important meeting in the Church." (See the whole talk here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/sacrament-meeting-and-the-sacrament?lang=eng) it is so vital that we partake of it every week. Why? We renew our baptismal covenants, we have the Holy Spirit to be with us, and we can feel the love of the Savior. I was blessing the sacrament today and a lady came in towards the end of the bread being passed around and she sat in the back. I immediately felt that she needed the sacrament just as much as I did. So I asked one of the brethren passing the sacrament to give it to her. I just felt the love of the Savior for her and started thinking about what the Savior would do if He were in my sacrament meeting. I just felt that He would hug every single person, whisper in their ear motivation and words of love, and make sure that every person who took the emblems of his blood and body would feel that desire to draw closer to him.
The more I get to know the Savior, the more I am amazed at His love and genuine concern for all of the God's children. I am truly grateful for everything He does for me.
"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me. I tremble to know that for me He was crucified. That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died. Oh it is wonderful that he should care for me, enough to die for me. Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me."
- Charles H. Gabriel
Monday, May 19, 2014
The One you can rely on
Oh there's One we can trust in
Always there to guide us
Even when we think His back is turned
He does not turn away
But leads us
A path, shaky, dark, indeterminate
Scary
Why would I go on?
How can I go on?
The way is not lit
Nor does it shine
Or give a glimmer of hope
My eyes search
They strain
They despair
I am not strong enough for this
Nor capable
Weak
Worthless
All these
Feelings
Perceptions
Inaccurate
Incorrect
Deceitful
How can I say this when it's what I'm feeling?
There's no sure definition
Nor reason
But faith - Faith in God and His plan
Although I do not understand
Nor think it fair.
Faith that comes from feeling
Feeling the warmth and goodness of His Son
The Path that He has set
And the testimony that He has giv'n me
I'm no where close to perfect. Nor am I even at the level I was before things went awry. But I know I can get there. And soar. Thanks to His Plan, His Atonement and His Love.
It's not easy. Nor is it doable. By myself. But with Him, all things are possible. So there's hope in that.
2 Nephi 4:34
Always there to guide us
Even when we think His back is turned
He does not turn away
But leads us
A path, shaky, dark, indeterminate
Scary
Why would I go on?
How can I go on?
The way is not lit
Nor does it shine
Or give a glimmer of hope
My eyes search
They strain
They despair
I am not strong enough for this
Nor capable
Weak
Worthless
All these
Feelings
Perceptions
Inaccurate
Incorrect
Deceitful
How can I say this when it's what I'm feeling?
There's no sure definition
Nor reason
But faith - Faith in God and His plan
Although I do not understand
Nor think it fair.
Faith that comes from feeling
Feeling the warmth and goodness of His Son
The Path that He has set
And the testimony that He has giv'n me
I'm no where close to perfect. Nor am I even at the level I was before things went awry. But I know I can get there. And soar. Thanks to His Plan, His Atonement and His Love.
It's not easy. Nor is it doable. By myself. But with Him, all things are possible. So there's hope in that.
2 Nephi 4:34
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Another Dimension: Reading
My eyes scan the page, drinking in the words typed on them. My heart feels the jolts, the pains, the sufferings, the wonders, the joys, the happiness. My mind envisions this unknown world, the unknown scene only described by futile words on a page.
For me, reading is an out of body experience. I take a step out of the life I am living, and insert myself as an observer into that world of which I am partaking. I guess I have known this since I was little - where I would spend hours upon hours of reading books and noticing the difference until someone or something shook me out of the mesmerizating experience of the book in my hands.
I guess it can be an escape for me. To run from my feelings, the homework or responsibilities that are crushing me, to just be alone for a space of a couple hours. But these days, with no school and only work, its a joyous adventure. I have nothing that calls upon me until tomorrow. So I choose to insert myself into the reading void, the world I create, and not run there for help. I choose to become a part of this story, the life, and the experiences that are laid before me.
My Aunt left me her copy of The Host for me to discover and enjoy. Even though I started just barely today, I am already caught up in the story; cheering for Melanie for surviving but at the same time agonizing for Wanderer as it cannot exist without Melanie's body. I want Melanie to be reunited with Jared and Jamie, to restore her family ties once more. But it seems that it cannot be done while letting Wanderer live. Wanderer, the purest, most gentle being existent. Who wants only what is best and not to cause pain, turmoil, fear, anger, jealousy, etc. I guess that is the genius of authors' however. To cause a paradox, a conflict to draw the reader in, to involve them in the story so that they become one with it. An active participant rather than a solitary bystander only standing there to gleam information.
I don't really know why I want to post this rant. It probably doesn't even make sense. But when I got pulled from my reading tonight for a phone call - it didn't bother me one bit. I'm just sitting here, in my chair, amazed at the wonderful gift that books have to offer us. An adventure of emotion, an out-of-body experience if you will, to break the grind of day to day and provide something more to life than just the grind: enjoyment, love, empathy, understanding, knowledge, sadness, grief, pain. For if we cannot understand the feelings of our neighbors, family, loved ones then we cannot stand by them in their times of suffering and pain as well as their times of joy and happiness - we will not be able to provide the support they are looking for, they need, they deserve. To all those around us, everyone should have someone to go to - fortunately, we have Jesus Christ who has suffered all the pains, griefs, despair and all else (both good and bad) we go through. He has given us the power of prayer to supplicate him, talk with him, be with him in a sense. He has provided us with the Gift of the Holy Ghost to give us that comfort that we need, the loving words he wants to tell us, to guide those who can give that support we need to us. He of course is always there, guiding and protecting. But he always sends angels along the way, to love us and to guide us to our home up above.
For me, reading is an out of body experience. I take a step out of the life I am living, and insert myself as an observer into that world of which I am partaking. I guess I have known this since I was little - where I would spend hours upon hours of reading books and noticing the difference until someone or something shook me out of the mesmerizating experience of the book in my hands.
I guess it can be an escape for me. To run from my feelings, the homework or responsibilities that are crushing me, to just be alone for a space of a couple hours. But these days, with no school and only work, its a joyous adventure. I have nothing that calls upon me until tomorrow. So I choose to insert myself into the reading void, the world I create, and not run there for help. I choose to become a part of this story, the life, and the experiences that are laid before me.
My Aunt left me her copy of The Host for me to discover and enjoy. Even though I started just barely today, I am already caught up in the story; cheering for Melanie for surviving but at the same time agonizing for Wanderer as it cannot exist without Melanie's body. I want Melanie to be reunited with Jared and Jamie, to restore her family ties once more. But it seems that it cannot be done while letting Wanderer live. Wanderer, the purest, most gentle being existent. Who wants only what is best and not to cause pain, turmoil, fear, anger, jealousy, etc. I guess that is the genius of authors' however. To cause a paradox, a conflict to draw the reader in, to involve them in the story so that they become one with it. An active participant rather than a solitary bystander only standing there to gleam information.
I don't really know why I want to post this rant. It probably doesn't even make sense. But when I got pulled from my reading tonight for a phone call - it didn't bother me one bit. I'm just sitting here, in my chair, amazed at the wonderful gift that books have to offer us. An adventure of emotion, an out-of-body experience if you will, to break the grind of day to day and provide something more to life than just the grind: enjoyment, love, empathy, understanding, knowledge, sadness, grief, pain. For if we cannot understand the feelings of our neighbors, family, loved ones then we cannot stand by them in their times of suffering and pain as well as their times of joy and happiness - we will not be able to provide the support they are looking for, they need, they deserve. To all those around us, everyone should have someone to go to - fortunately, we have Jesus Christ who has suffered all the pains, griefs, despair and all else (both good and bad) we go through. He has given us the power of prayer to supplicate him, talk with him, be with him in a sense. He has provided us with the Gift of the Holy Ghost to give us that comfort that we need, the loving words he wants to tell us, to guide those who can give that support we need to us. He of course is always there, guiding and protecting. But he always sends angels along the way, to love us and to guide us to our home up above.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Happiness: What do you do to acquire it?
I recently asked someone what kind of things made them happy. Of course, I should have been prepared for the question to be thrown back at me. But I wasn't.
Here are some things that came to my mind.
1. The ocean and beach - the pounding of the waves across the sand. The rhythmic sound that comes and goes, taking away all the cares and worries that weigh down your body.
2. Playing baseball - Something that I miss wholeheartedly. Taking the steps on the infield when the pitch is thrown, cocking your hands back with the timing of the pitcher, the slide into a base, beating the throw by an inch. Sure, it's not easy. But man do I love it.
3. The "aha" moment of when I get a concept that was previously unknown, thus becoming clear in my mind and I can understand the principle and how it works.
4. Sitting at home with family. Whether at home in California, or with the Sagers, or even in my apartment when my family comes to visit me. There's always that feeling of peace.
5. Swim. I know I didn't swim enough at home, but man, did it make me happy when I did. I miss that pool so much. And the torpedo. Totally the torpedo.
6. Sunshine after a cloudy day - The clouds bring my mood down, but when the sunshine pokes through, it just brings a smile to my face.
7. Messing around in video games - sure I take them seriously every now and then (some would argue more now's than then's but that's for another time) but messing around on them and just having fun? That's awesome.
8. Puns and cheesy jokes. What's not to love?
Those are just some off of the top of my head. Others could include cuddling with Carmody while watching a movie or reading a book or taking a nap. I sure do miss that. But as I sat and thought about it, I came to realize that not all of my happiness revolved around her. There are other activities and things I can do to be happy - to draw me out from my sorrows and to help me reconnect with life. This might not be a revelatory blog post for most of you. It really isn't for me. But it does help me to see outside of the box, outside of the norm, the rut, the whatever-you-want-to-call-it.
So... What makes you happy?
Here are some things that came to my mind.
1. The ocean and beach - the pounding of the waves across the sand. The rhythmic sound that comes and goes, taking away all the cares and worries that weigh down your body.
2. Playing baseball - Something that I miss wholeheartedly. Taking the steps on the infield when the pitch is thrown, cocking your hands back with the timing of the pitcher, the slide into a base, beating the throw by an inch. Sure, it's not easy. But man do I love it.
3. The "aha" moment of when I get a concept that was previously unknown, thus becoming clear in my mind and I can understand the principle and how it works.
4. Sitting at home with family. Whether at home in California, or with the Sagers, or even in my apartment when my family comes to visit me. There's always that feeling of peace.
5. Swim. I know I didn't swim enough at home, but man, did it make me happy when I did. I miss that pool so much. And the torpedo. Totally the torpedo.
6. Sunshine after a cloudy day - The clouds bring my mood down, but when the sunshine pokes through, it just brings a smile to my face.
7. Messing around in video games - sure I take them seriously every now and then (some would argue more now's than then's but that's for another time) but messing around on them and just having fun? That's awesome.
8. Puns and cheesy jokes. What's not to love?
Those are just some off of the top of my head. Others could include cuddling with Carmody while watching a movie or reading a book or taking a nap. I sure do miss that. But as I sat and thought about it, I came to realize that not all of my happiness revolved around her. There are other activities and things I can do to be happy - to draw me out from my sorrows and to help me reconnect with life. This might not be a revelatory blog post for most of you. It really isn't for me. But it does help me to see outside of the box, outside of the norm, the rut, the whatever-you-want-to-call-it.
So... What makes you happy?
Sunday, March 16, 2014
I need my Amanda
So I got a free month trial of netflix - which can only spell disaster and doom, right? Perhaps but I'm thinking about cancelling it - me and netflix could make a very bad couple.
With this new resource - I decided to catch up on Kyle XY, a show I have decidedly adored in High School but never got around to finishing the series. For those of you that haven't seen it, Kyle's a lost, wayward teenager and literally knows nothing (like he was born straight from the womb). The difference is that he has a much more developed brain and is hyper-active in learning and is very, very, very smart. But he falls in love with the cute girl next door - Amanda. He is drawn to her through her precious talent of playing the piano. Long story short, she breaks up with her current boyfriend for him being a cheater and Kyle ends up dating her. In my opinion, they are the perfect couple - sweet, caring, loving, charitable, smart, reasonable, responsible, etc. They are just an awesome couple.
Why am I sharing this? I feel like I'm missing my Amanda - my Carmody. And I'm not getting her back. But like Kyle, even when Amanda breaks up with him, he never loses his feelings for her. I feel like that's what's going to happen to me with Carmody. It's been a year and a couple months since she passed away. And still the thought of me being with another woman doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem feasible. But I guess it's not my time yet. But I really want my Amanda back. Someone who loves me and trusts me and gives me the support that I need. All this = Catch 22.
Anyways, my minor rant.
With this new resource - I decided to catch up on Kyle XY, a show I have decidedly adored in High School but never got around to finishing the series. For those of you that haven't seen it, Kyle's a lost, wayward teenager and literally knows nothing (like he was born straight from the womb). The difference is that he has a much more developed brain and is hyper-active in learning and is very, very, very smart. But he falls in love with the cute girl next door - Amanda. He is drawn to her through her precious talent of playing the piano. Long story short, she breaks up with her current boyfriend for him being a cheater and Kyle ends up dating her. In my opinion, they are the perfect couple - sweet, caring, loving, charitable, smart, reasonable, responsible, etc. They are just an awesome couple.
Why am I sharing this? I feel like I'm missing my Amanda - my Carmody. And I'm not getting her back. But like Kyle, even when Amanda breaks up with him, he never loses his feelings for her. I feel like that's what's going to happen to me with Carmody. It's been a year and a couple months since she passed away. And still the thought of me being with another woman doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem feasible. But I guess it's not my time yet. But I really want my Amanda back. Someone who loves me and trusts me and gives me the support that I need. All this = Catch 22.
Anyways, my minor rant.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Frozen: Not your ordinary Disney Movie
For once it's a love story that doesn't end with girl who meets guy, instantly falls in love and they live happily ever after, after a tragic plot twist that threatens to separate them forever.
For once it's a love story about families. Where these sisters are all they have left. About reaching out to those who aren't understood. Reaching out to those who feel like they are cast out because they possess something that we don't. Be it a troubled past, a disease like Autism, Celiac's, or maybe even something unknown, or whatever it is, there is power behind those that aren't like us.
People are different for a reason. We aren't cast in the same mold. Some people are great at Accounting - some are great at the Arts - some have excellent leadership skills while others excel at getting things done. Our differences make us a whole. Paul taught the Philippians that we are the body of Christ - some fingers, some toes, etc, etc. I just feel that if we, as a people, can be open to differences and understanding of where people come from, we can see much more around us than we do right now. And have greater clarity of how we can make choices to uplift humanity and bring people closer to Christ. That's why we are here - to prove our faithfulness and help all of our brothers and sisters return to live with us in Heaven. But that's kind of hard if we don't forge relationships of trust, understand where they are, and help them to where they need to go. Of course, it's a two way deal, but we can still do our part.
Anyways - short blog inspired by watching Frozen. Such a good movie. Love it,Love it,Love it,Love it,Love it!
For once it's a love story about families. Where these sisters are all they have left. About reaching out to those who aren't understood. Reaching out to those who feel like they are cast out because they possess something that we don't. Be it a troubled past, a disease like Autism, Celiac's, or maybe even something unknown, or whatever it is, there is power behind those that aren't like us.
People are different for a reason. We aren't cast in the same mold. Some people are great at Accounting - some are great at the Arts - some have excellent leadership skills while others excel at getting things done. Our differences make us a whole. Paul taught the Philippians that we are the body of Christ - some fingers, some toes, etc, etc. I just feel that if we, as a people, can be open to differences and understanding of where people come from, we can see much more around us than we do right now. And have greater clarity of how we can make choices to uplift humanity and bring people closer to Christ. That's why we are here - to prove our faithfulness and help all of our brothers and sisters return to live with us in Heaven. But that's kind of hard if we don't forge relationships of trust, understand where they are, and help them to where they need to go. Of course, it's a two way deal, but we can still do our part.
Anyways - short blog inspired by watching Frozen. Such a good movie. Love it,Love it,Love it,Love it,Love it!
Monday, February 17, 2014
Love & Memories
These are just some of the great things about Carmody that I remember and that I hold Precious.
Even the small things that she does are what I adore about her. Enjoy.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Pain & Friends - The opposing forces for my soul
The Pain is Unique
The Pain is Fresh
The Pain just
Engulfs my chest
As I sit there in wonder
It overcomes
Shadows
Erases
All that once was
I sit there and listen
There is sunshine in my soul today
The devil laughs in my ear
and rants
Not for you my dear
There is no peace
There is no love
There is no shining star above
Try you wish
Try as you might
The Pain is coming
To over rule you - it sighs
I get up and leave
The happy throng
To solaced from that song
I sit there
In your favorite spot
Where you used to find comfort
and love in your heart
But as I sit there,
the tears engulf me
And malicious whispers sit there flourishing
To my friend I bid come
That he may be of help
A physical reminder
a physical touch
to keep me in the land of the living
and sane
As I sit there, the pain engulfing
My shoulders rack up and down
with my shortness of breath
Tears
Streaming from my closed eyes
Because it's much more painful
To have them open and witness the absence.
He sits there and holds me
Like a baby sobbing
I turn to him and wet his shoulder
with my Pain
As I compose myself, it still lingers
But I tell myself
I must go on
And let it settle back into my heart
We return to where I had left,
To find loving friends
Waiting
To embrace me
To empathize with me
To understand
A scripture later,
Words the heart tries to understand
Of a God All-Loving
That nothing can hide
The knowledge takes comfort
And struggles to bind
That wisdom
To that sad little heart of mine
Come what may
Come what might
God only knows
What is in store for me
The Light that awaits
The Darkness that conceals
The path wrought before me
That I try to find
Wish I may
Wish I might
She's not coming back
In this life.
So wait I must
Waiting I will do
While I try to figure out
What's God's will for me ensues.
The bitter cup is still yielding
The Pain still awaits
But at least I know
I've got friends at the gates
The angels the Savior sends
With his loving light
They may not know it
But they embrace his Sight
Love cannot tell
Nor will it yield
The Path for me
In this never ending field
Walk I must
Walk I do
Unto the path
That Future, leads me to.
The Pain is Fresh
The Pain just
Engulfs my chest
As I sit there in wonder
It overcomes
Shadows
Erases
All that once was
I sit there and listen
There is sunshine in my soul today
The devil laughs in my ear
and rants
Not for you my dear
There is no peace
There is no love
There is no shining star above
Try you wish
Try as you might
The Pain is coming
To over rule you - it sighs
I get up and leave
The happy throng
To solaced from that song
I sit there
In your favorite spot
Where you used to find comfort
and love in your heart
But as I sit there,
the tears engulf me
And malicious whispers sit there flourishing
To my friend I bid come
That he may be of help
A physical reminder
a physical touch
to keep me in the land of the living
and sane
As I sit there, the pain engulfing
My shoulders rack up and down
with my shortness of breath
Tears
Streaming from my closed eyes
Because it's much more painful
To have them open and witness the absence.
He sits there and holds me
Like a baby sobbing
I turn to him and wet his shoulder
with my Pain
As I compose myself, it still lingers
But I tell myself
I must go on
And let it settle back into my heart
We return to where I had left,
To find loving friends
Waiting
To embrace me
To empathize with me
To understand
A scripture later,
Words the heart tries to understand
Of a God All-Loving
That nothing can hide
The knowledge takes comfort
And struggles to bind
That wisdom
To that sad little heart of mine
Come what may
Come what might
God only knows
What is in store for me
The Light that awaits
The Darkness that conceals
The path wrought before me
That I try to find
Wish I may
Wish I might
She's not coming back
In this life.
So wait I must
Waiting I will do
While I try to figure out
What's God's will for me ensues.
The bitter cup is still yielding
The Pain still awaits
But at least I know
I've got friends at the gates
The angels the Savior sends
With his loving light
They may not know it
But they embrace his Sight
Love cannot tell
Nor will it yield
The Path for me
In this never ending field
Walk I must
Walk I do
Unto the path
That Future, leads me to.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Happy Birthday!!!
Happy Birthday Carmody!
I didn't know what I'd do for you today. I've been so lost in despair these past 11 months, nothing has seemed right to celebrate. But I know you'd appreciate this. I was never good at gift giving - you are though. You knew exactly what I needed and when. So maybe this will help you on the other side. I don't know.
You're probably preaching the gospel and helping out all the people you wanted to. That was your dream: to enable others to feel the happiness of Heavenly Father's plan for His children, us. Your dream was to play with all the fluffy things you found. You appreciate the beauty in absolutely everything. Do you know how much I think back to the hike you took with your friends where they sped up the hill and you lagged behind because you were admiring the flowers and the country side? Do you know how much I appreciate all the late night talks we had? About embarrassing things, awkward things, amazing things, mysterious things, about the future, about what we wanted? I promise you we'll continue to have them - for the eternities. My love for you has not diminished but surprisingly has grown. I was roving last night and on my way back to my apartment and I was wondering why I love you.
These are the thoughts that came to my mind.
1. Your appreciation for the smallest of God's creations
2. Your patience with me
3. Your brilliant smile
4. Your yips at the sight of anything small, furry and cute
5. Your passion for helping others even when you felt absolutely horrible
6. Your dedication to live the gospel - no matter what happened nor when it was
7. Your physically beauty
8. Your spiritual purity and innocence
9. The threshold of insanity and ALL the silliness that came from that
10. Your love and dedication to your family
11. Your love for the Crooners and their music - even if I was jealous
12. The way you worried about how you looked
13. The radiation of love that I felt from you
14. Your dedication to do what was right - no matter how hard it was
15. Your unwavering, simple faith
16. Blue Bell Ice Cream 'Nuff Said.
17. Everything Texas
18. Country dancing
19. Dedication to your school work
20. Ability to balance all of your plates with excellence and grace
I could keep going - but those are more private, more heartfelt that I can express in print. I need to be with you to say them, to have you feel them, to see your face while I say them. So, someday, when we are reunited, we'll have this discussion. I'll hug you, spin you around, cry into your shoulder and try my hardest to express my love to you. I miss you so much my love. My love for you has not diminished, not one whit. It has grown to be everlasting - never ending - full of happiness and joy. You my dear, are worth it. You, are my angel.
Today we would have done the silly things - Divine Comedy, Studio C, Blue Bell's, Ridiculous date going through Blickenstaff's, some GREAT home cooked food. All that and more my love. But for now, I hope you can feel my love and hear my desperate cries to Father that we can be together again. I have faith that it will work out - some way, some how. Heavenly Father's plan is perfect, and I know He will help us to see how we fit into His beautiful and amazing plan.
I love you Carmody - Happy Birthday and enjoy eternal youth and gluten. :)
I didn't know what I'd do for you today. I've been so lost in despair these past 11 months, nothing has seemed right to celebrate. But I know you'd appreciate this. I was never good at gift giving - you are though. You knew exactly what I needed and when. So maybe this will help you on the other side. I don't know.
You're probably preaching the gospel and helping out all the people you wanted to. That was your dream: to enable others to feel the happiness of Heavenly Father's plan for His children, us. Your dream was to play with all the fluffy things you found. You appreciate the beauty in absolutely everything. Do you know how much I think back to the hike you took with your friends where they sped up the hill and you lagged behind because you were admiring the flowers and the country side? Do you know how much I appreciate all the late night talks we had? About embarrassing things, awkward things, amazing things, mysterious things, about the future, about what we wanted? I promise you we'll continue to have them - for the eternities. My love for you has not diminished but surprisingly has grown. I was roving last night and on my way back to my apartment and I was wondering why I love you.
These are the thoughts that came to my mind.
1. Your appreciation for the smallest of God's creations
2. Your patience with me
3. Your brilliant smile
4. Your yips at the sight of anything small, furry and cute
5. Your passion for helping others even when you felt absolutely horrible
6. Your dedication to live the gospel - no matter what happened nor when it was
7. Your physically beauty
8. Your spiritual purity and innocence
9. The threshold of insanity and ALL the silliness that came from that
10. Your love and dedication to your family
11. Your love for the Crooners and their music - even if I was jealous
12. The way you worried about how you looked
13. The radiation of love that I felt from you
14. Your dedication to do what was right - no matter how hard it was
15. Your unwavering, simple faith
16. Blue Bell Ice Cream 'Nuff Said.
17. Everything Texas
18. Country dancing
19. Dedication to your school work
20. Ability to balance all of your plates with excellence and grace
I could keep going - but those are more private, more heartfelt that I can express in print. I need to be with you to say them, to have you feel them, to see your face while I say them. So, someday, when we are reunited, we'll have this discussion. I'll hug you, spin you around, cry into your shoulder and try my hardest to express my love to you. I miss you so much my love. My love for you has not diminished, not one whit. It has grown to be everlasting - never ending - full of happiness and joy. You my dear, are worth it. You, are my angel.
Today we would have done the silly things - Divine Comedy, Studio C, Blue Bell's, Ridiculous date going through Blickenstaff's, some GREAT home cooked food. All that and more my love. But for now, I hope you can feel my love and hear my desperate cries to Father that we can be together again. I have faith that it will work out - some way, some how. Heavenly Father's plan is perfect, and I know He will help us to see how we fit into His beautiful and amazing plan.
I love you Carmody - Happy Birthday and enjoy eternal youth and gluten. :)
 |
| Blue Bell Ice Cream for the win! |
 |
| Divine Comedy is always worth waiting for! |
 |
| And yes, you bring out the silly in me too. Love you. <3 |
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