It's Been a Month

What a month I've been through. At first I was doing alright. I've been going to classes, taking notes, completing my responsibilities for my job, exercising, eating fairly well, and doing the best I can. Now the pain and sorrow start flooding in. I do my best to keep them at bay, but sometimes it doesn't seem like it's enough. I struggle to pay attention in class and stay on top of homework. I don't want to sleep at night - not only would tomorrow and all the things I have to do come, but the nights are terrible. I don't sleep well anymore. The dreams are too vivid, too tantalizing to be real. When she's there, it's heartbreaking for me when I wake up. When she's not, I anguish and long for her presence to be there. The dreams are too random, too stressful, too many things to do. I'm expected to whip things up on the spot and make sure everything is taken care of. So I wake up exhausted, but I have to go through the next day. What else is there to do? I have to keep pushing because there is nothing for me if I don't. I have to keep going, there is no other way. Sometimes it feels like I am running. Running from something that will overtake me someday, but I have to try to get away. When it does catch up, I feel like it will overtake me, consume me, overwhelm the little strength I have remaining.

I try to rely on the Atonement and Jesus Christ. I know that he's there, supporting me, helping me, catching me when I fall, encouraging me to do the best I can. I know he's there because I am still able to go each morning. When I feel down, somehow... somehow I am able to pick my chin up and make it through the day. When I go to the temple, I feel my burdens lightened and I feel so much better. That's one of the things that's kept me going. I haven't been to the temple this often since I was in the MTC, but it's kept me going. Giving me the strength I need to keep on going.

I started this post because it's been a month since Carmody has passed away. I miss her so much. I know she's fine, but I'm not. Everything I look at reminds me of her. Everything I do, reminds me of something we did together. I look towards her apartment and sadness fills my whole being. I see a girl studying out in the sun and for a fleeting moment I think it's Carmody. Reminding me of the hole I have in my chest. This empty void that begs to be filled. But it can't. I'm holding on to her and the memories we have. Maybe all the pictures I took of her help me as I look through them. Maybe they open the wound wider, reminding me of the void that seems to be growing. Nothing I can do will bring her back to me right now. If it had been God's will that she stay, it would have happened. I would have been prepared to do whatever I needed to do to support her, strengthen her and keep her health. After Elder Bednar's CES fireside last month, I wonder if I have/had the faith to let her go. I have faith in Jesus Christ. I know the Book of Mormon to be the Word of God. Christ's church is back on the Earth, with His authority given to men called by Him. Thomas S. Monson is His prophet and is inspired, guided and does the Lord's will. I have that faith. I have that surety that all that is true. But still I'm struggling. Am I still clinging on to Carmody because I lack that faith to let her go? I know that God does nothing except for the good of our experience. Trials build us up, strengthen us, help us come closer to Him. But I feel like I am shrinking from the bitter cup. I don't want to admit that she's gone on to the next stage of life. I don't want to think that I can't hold her hand while in mortality. I miss her warmth, her charity, her compassion, her love, her wisdom, her intelligence. I miss her strength. I miss her hugs. I miss her. I don't have that person with me that I could share anything and everything with. I put everything into this relationship. I put it on the line, letting myself be vulnerable to rejection. She accepted me for who I was, faults and strengths alike. Now she's not here, and that relationship no longer sustains and uplifts me. I have the hope that I can move forward with my life. Accept the loss, embrace it, and be able to hold her in a special place in my heart. There's the light at the end of the tunnel that I can be alright. But that's not today. Not now. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. My roommate had me read a talk by Elder Wirthlin's talk, "One step after another". Talks like that help me keep going. But that's all I can do right now. Just keep on going. Someday it will all work out.


No one can predict the ups and downs that you'll experience. Especially not me. Sometimes amazing things happen. Other times, life just appears to be plain devastating. Sometimes you live looking forward to a certain date. Others, you just have to focus on finishing the day. No matter what, you can't predict the happiness you'll have, the problems that will appear, the sadness of loss; nothing. We do know one thing however. Christ came to Earth and went:
                "forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of ever kind and
         this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the
         sicknesses of his people.
                 "And he will take upon him death, that he may loos the bands of death which bind his
         people and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy,
         according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people
         according to their infirmities."
                                                - Alma 7:11-12

I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He is our Savior and Redeemer. He has given us the Gospel to provide us with comfort and strength. His hand is always reaching towards us, ready to lift us up. I know that he does this with me. Every time I turn to him, I am lifted up. I may be hurting right now, be in grief, affliction and in pain, but this won't last forever. Our afflictions, pains and even death is swallowed up in Christ. I'm working to get myself there. Learning from this experience and trying to reach out to others that are also in pain. Helping them understand life, come closer to Christ. That's where real Joy and Happiness lie, is within His Gospel and Obedience to all the Commandments given to us and the Covenants we've made. While I focus on Him, it's not so bad and it gives me hope and faith that I'll be alright someday.

- Mike