Swept Dreams

There she stands - just as beautiful as she ever was.

"You're back," I state confusedly but with a huge smile on my face. I reach out and embrace her with the intentions of never letting her out of my sight again. "I've missed you so much!" I exclaim, holding back the tears.

We go to church and some girl snapchats me or texts me. She gets this chiseled look in her jaw and I know she's upset and jealous that I would pay attention to another girl and not her. I never would want to make her jealous, but it all the same pleases me that someone cared like that about me again. I pull her aside and tell her, "Look, I've had to put a wall up in my heart to section you off when you died. It's going to take some time for me to take it down. But I'm going to. You're here now and..." beep beep beep beep

Worst. Alarm. Ever.

Experiences like these are hard enough in their own right to deal with while I'm dreaming. I have to counteract all that I was struggling with that a sudden solution has presented itself. Instantly, things CAN be alright again. I don't have to date again. I don't have to try to balance my heart out. She's back and everything's okay. I've got my love back and the world is suddenly right for a moment.

Or not. While in this other state of reality everything is well, not perfect, but almost. My major concerns are solved. Suddenly the stress drains away. The anger, the confusion, the sadness is gone. For a lingering moment. Then when I wake up, it still feels the same. But I know she's not here. I think, however, that I'm still on my dream "high". In a couple more hours, everything will come crashing down again. In a couple more hours, I have to face reality again.

Dreams. In the moment they can be a wonderful bliss. The next it can be all swept away.

The Sacrament, a blessed and loving gift

Once a upon a time, I thought that the sacrament was supposed to be full of rigor and tradition. That the deacons should turn in place 90 degrees (like I learned in marching band).  I have not thought that way in a long time, but the thought dawned on me that it is a gift of love, not a rigid thing that must be marched every Sunday.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle of Jesus Christ, said in October 2008 in a general conference session to the LDS church and to the world, "The ordinance of the sacrament makes the sacrament meeting the most sacred and important meeting in the Church." (See the whole talk here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/sacrament-meeting-and-the-sacrament?lang=eng) it is so vital that we partake of it every week. Why? We renew our baptismal covenants, we have the Holy Spirit to be with us, and we can feel the love of the Savior.  I was blessing the sacrament today and a lady came in towards the end of the bread being passed around and she sat in the back. I immediately felt that she needed the sacrament just as much as I did. So I asked one of the brethren passing the sacrament to give it to her. I just felt the love of the Savior for her and started thinking about what the Savior would do if He were in my sacrament meeting. I just felt that He would hug every single person, whisper in their ear motivation and words of love, and make sure that every person who took the emblems of his blood and body would feel that desire to draw closer to him. 

The more I get to know the Savior, the more I am amazed at His love and genuine concern for all of the God's children. I am truly grateful for everything He does for me. 

"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me. I tremble to know that for me He was crucified. That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died. Oh it is wonderful that he should care for me, enough to die for me. Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me."

   - Charles H. Gabriel

The One you can rely on

Oh there's One we can trust in
Always there to guide us
Even when we think His back is turned

He does not turn away
But leads us

A path, shaky, dark, indeterminate
Scary
Why would I go on?
How can I go on?

The way is not lit
Nor does it shine
Or give a glimmer of hope

My eyes search
They strain
They despair

I am not strong enough for this
Nor capable
Weak
Worthless

All these
Feelings
Perceptions

Inaccurate
Incorrect
Deceitful

How can I say this when it's what I'm feeling?
There's no sure definition
Nor reason

But faith - Faith in God and His plan
Although I do not understand
Nor think it fair.
Faith that comes from feeling
Feeling the warmth and goodness of His Son
The Path that He has set
And the testimony that He has giv'n me

I'm no where close to perfect. Nor am I even at the level I was before things went awry. But I know I can get there. And soar. Thanks to His Plan, His Atonement and His Love.

It's not easy. Nor is it doable. By myself. But with Him, all things are possible. So there's hope in that.

2 Nephi 4:34